Intense Blessings

Discipline Over Spanking

2012-01-13T15:44:00.000-05:00

The winds have changed direction.

There are four verses in Proverbs that I continually used to quote to justify spanking my children. I believed I was commanded by God to smack my kids with a paddle. In the past few months, I have revisited these verses in a new light. My changed approach may surprise you...

When Isaiah was about three years old, he was a huge stinker. I was continually perplexed about how to deal with his disobedience. After prayer and seeking the advice of various people I respected, I wrote out Proverbs 22:15 on a piece of a paper and taped it to his door. I declared this scripture over Isaiah every time I spanked him. "Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him." I thought if I spanked him enough, it would drive out the naughtiness.

What I did not know is the Hebrew word for 'rod' and 'child' do not mean what is commonly taught with this scripture or the other three in Proverbs that Christians use to promote spanking. Shebet is the Hebrew word for 'rod' and naar is the Hebrew word for 'child'. A shebet was a huge stick shepherds used. It is not a small branch, switch, wooden spoon or paddle. A naar is actually a young person, probably a young man. It is not a small child. Here are two discrepancies with my previous approach to spankings. I believe this scripture is intended to be symbolic rather than literal.

I believe the emphasis in these verses is not spanking, but rather discipline. Discipline is so much more than punishment. Discipline is training and teaching. Discipline is coming along beside my children and showing them how do do my instructions. Discipline is repetitive teaching and giving grace as needed. Discipline brings the promise driving out of foolishness (Proverbs 22:15) . Discipline saves them from Hell (23:13-14) and discipline brings wisdom (29:15). Discipline is the key here, not spanking.

I cannot say I will never spank my children again. I can say, however, that spanking is not my "go to" every time I correct my children. Instead, I train and teach and illustrate. I approach parenting by following Christ's example, giving grace to cover the children's mistakes, the same way Christ offers grace to cover my own many errors.

I realize this may cause some stirrings up in many of my readers. Please do not comment with the old interpretation of the Proverb scriptures; I no longer take those Scriptures literally. And I urge you to passionately and urgently seek the Lord's direction in every situation concerning your life, especially the incredible job of child rearing. Let the Holy Spirit guide you, not a formula found in parenting books.

Life is much more peaceful around here lately. I always hated spanking; I only did it because I misunderstood that spanking was commanded and therefore the ONLY way to raise obedient children. The truth is refreshingly freeing. I LOVE grace based parenting! Mothering now flows, uninterrupted with guilt from their cries of pain. I am free to purely love and guide without causing physical pain to my babies. I am at peace.

"Just Us" Thanksgiving

2011-11-29T09:40:00.001-05:00

I love Thanksgiving. It has been my favorite for a long time, easily beating the commercially driven Christmas. Thanksgiving means family. Time to sit and laugh. Time to cram into the kitchen, butts squeezing past each other, snitching tastes of dishes and making precious memories.

My favorite Thanksgiving memory was when I was in York College. My sister, a friend and I drove from York, Nebraska to Missouri to spend Christmas with two of my aunts, their family, my grandparents, my parents and my siblings. The women had developed a tradition of bringing homemade gifts for everyone. My aunt made fluffy, crocheted scarfs for all the ladies and Mom made us all aprons. We posed in a chorus line for pictures, wearing our new gifts, laughing at ourselves. It was joyous!

This Thanksgiving it was just us. Just my little family. I really struggled with being alone. The date snuck up on me and I, incidentally, delayed in asking people over. By the time I remembered to invite, everyone already had plans. Surprisingly, no one in our sweet church thought to invite the Keys over for Thanksgiving Dinner. So I planned our simple menu. Cooked the traditional meal alone in my kitchen, remembering the past Thanksgivings, relishing memories and singing Christmas songs.

My melancholy mood slowly diminished as the day wore on and grew more and more special. I realized, looking around my small home filled with children, that someday, these little people would be at the top of my list for attendants to my Thanksgiving meals. In a few short years, my children will be busy with their own lives. It occurred to me that in 2031, if "only" my kids came to dinner, I would be overjoyous. My Thanksgiving epiphany renewed my heart. By the end of our meal preparations, all my favorite people were in the kitchen. Isaiah and Lela Mae washed the big pots and pans. Rose mashed the potatoes. Samuel stirred the sweet tea and the baby watched the commotion from his bouncy seat. Jason stood back and enjoyed the business. It was heaven!

Our day wasn't full of Grandma's loud guffaws and Aunt Catherine's oyster stuffing was missed. Mom wasn't here to spoil her grandkids and we didn't sit around and sing hymns (a wonderful Bentch tradition). These memories are like hot chocolate on a cold day, warming my heart and bringing a smile to my face.

But I did sip coffee with the love of my life and watch the Macy's Day Parade. I enjoyed our alone day and created new memories to stock pile away in my Thanksgiving memory file. Truly, the lives around my Thanksgiving table are the most important to me and I am incredibly grateful to share my favorite holiday with each of them.

Day One with No Sugar

2011-11-15T15:48:00.000-05:00

Thank you for the huge response after last night's post. Your sincere messages and comments encourage and inspire me. It means so much to know I am in your prayers.

I know that food addiction is a problem. Many of you shared with me your own issues. I believe there is hope for us! I am reading a wonderful book called "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst. It has inspired me to replace my cravings for food with cravings for the Almighty God. Only God can satisfy. Lysa reminds me that I am made for more. I am made for more than the vicious cycle of dieting, failure, binging, guilt...dieting, failure, binging, guilt...again, and again. I was made more!

I am also working out to Faithful Workouts. I bought a 3 DVD work out set for just $25. I love the Christian saturated work outs. The women are fully dress (no bare midriffs or butts hanging out), the work out is accompanied by Christian music and Michelle Spadafora, the fitness instructor, gives a short devotional during the last five minutes. Working out has always energized me, physically. Now exercising with Faithful Workouts I am energized both physically AND spiritually. I love it!

Day one with no sugar has gone well. Too well. I am waiting for the craving ball to drop. I know I am weak. I know this soothing peace will pass and I will have to stand up against unhealthy cravings. Gratefully, in my weakness, I am made strong through Jesus Christ. He is my power. I will hold to his mighty right hand and battle through this stronghold. One day at a time...

quietly reflecting on starting again

2011-11-14T23:37:00.000-05:00

It is quiet here. Another day has rushed and swirled around us; time slipping quickly away. My precious treasures are safely tucked into their beds. The handsome hubby snoozes, keeping our king-size bed warm for me; I'll be there soon.

I could not resist a few minutes of quiet thought and reflection. I have spent the past hour scanning my blog, reading old posts from 2009. It was a good year for us. I grew in the Lord a lot that year. I'm glad I kept an account of our family on this blog.

The past few weeks have been difficult for me. I have done much soul searching and God seeking. My biggest struggle, for better or for worse, is with food. It seems so silly to type that out, but it is true. Those who have a healthy relationship with food may not understand. Those of you who cringed and felt instantly uncomfortable cause I just hit your ouchie button... well, you get me.

I have recently accepted the reality of my food problem. I am fearfully and faithfully stepping out and trusting the Lord to be my everything. Tomorrow, I quit sugar. (Geesh. Just writing that scares the crap out of me!) I want to be what God has called me to be and scarfing down candy to comfort myself... a-hem. It ain't pretty. I want to crave God more than I crave a SNICKERS.

I need your prayers, please. And I could really use your verbal support. If you struggle in this area, please message me so we can encourage each other. I am thinking of starting a support group here in Alamogordo. We'll see how things work out.

Tomorrow is a brand new day. A day of freedom. You might find me on my face before the Lord. Here's to new beginnings!

Keys House Of Learning

2011-10-27T16:13:00.002-04:00

I am learning more and more every day what it really means to be a homeschool family. Homeschoolers are a society all to themselves. While some families work diligently to popularize their children and sink them into the world's culture, homeschool families take steps to ensure their children are different. Gasp! I know, I know, Heaven forbid our children don't look like the popular kids. It goes against my grain, too. But the reality is I want my kids to look like Jesus Christ; I want them to represent true, Bible based Christianity. Current culture is far from Biblical truths. If I'm doing my job right, my kids will stick out in society.

**side note** Children in formal schooling can also be amazing examples of followers of Jesus Christ. We have chosen to school at home, but I certainly do not judge other families and their choices. I do urge parents (homeschool AND traditional school) to check their definition of success, ensuring it lines up with God's definition of a successful life.***

Teaching my children a godly lifestyle is the foundation of our homeschool. Christ is interwoven in everything we do. We talk about God when we play outside; how he created the mountains and the sky. God is the reason our bodies work so splendidly perfect. God gives us the ability to learn and to read; he truly is linked to our teaching.

As a one-income family, I constantly seek the Lord for financial direction. Curriculum costs are ridiculous and it is definitely not "in the budget" to sink $500 in schooling materials, per kid (that's times three now). My faithful Father pointed us in several directions and we have started this years' curriculum for all of a mere $25, plus miscellaneous expenses for computer paper, printer ink, pencils, glue, etc.

All three of my school-age kids are going through the Funnix program. Funnix is a reading program downloaded onto our home computer from the Funnix $25 CD. By the end of the 200 lessons, the student should be reading at a 3rd grade level. Isaiah is sailing along. I am supplementing more alphabet learning with the girls. Even three-year-old Samuel has done a lesson or two.

Curriculum for all other subjects are a conglomeration of online resources, the library and books from our own collection. It's so cheap... I feel like I'm stealing.

I also sought the Lord for direction on organizing our days. I have so many little ones to teach, it is often incredibly overwhelming. Right now (and life changes moment by moment), we do English and Science on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Math and Social Studies are Tuesdays and Thursdays. It sounds like we're not doing a lot, but we actually continually teach on all subjects all day long. Kids learn so much from playtime and general interaction with adults. With a steady stream of conversation between me and the children, I am always teaching.

Grace abounds in our home. Learning is not a race. Subject by subject, one ~~day~~ lesson at a time, I am confident in the Lord that we will produce some awesome homeschool graduates! Now, let's get back to our ABCs and 123s...

Let the Mess Be

2011-09-30T17:51:00.000-04:00

Do the kids' bedrooms ever drive you nuts? They do me. I'm beginning to think toys are overrated.

I finally carved half an hour to spend in Rose and Lela's room on Tuesday. Not an easy feat considering I'm learning to juggle a newborn plus four plus homeschooling plus housework. Thirty minutes sorting toys was a treasure I gave to my girls. A treasure they did not recognize. By Wednesday afternoon, several of the toys I had carefully divided into appropriate bins, found themselves strewn across the floor once again.

My discovery of the messy toys loosened the connection between my tired mommy brain and my overly worked mouth. The mantra began, loud and clear, as I marched around their room, becoming hysterical over the piles of dirty clothes, dollies, toy dishes, toys, toys and more toys. I was hyperventaling while the girls just stared at me, wide-eyed and uncaring.

Later that day, I laid in bed, nursing the baby, my thoughts scattering and collecting themselves. I discussed the girls' mess with the Lord, my Problem Solver.

"God, please forgive me for yelling at the girls." I sighed, full of guilt. I felt his forgiveness seep into my spirit and soothe my anxious heart. "Lord... you're so good to me."

"Why are you concerned about their rooms?" He whispered to me.

"Lord? Why? Well, it's just... You know, they need..." My explanations fizzled out and I stopped to really think it out. Why did it matter so much to me?

"Jessica, the rooms are theirs. You have the living room. The dining room. The kitchen. Your own bedroom. You are busy keeping those rooms clean. Let the bedrooms go. Oh, you still need to teach them and train them in how to keep a clean bedroom. It won't be easy. But you don't need to invest your emotions into your children's bedrooms. Let it go." The words of my Father answered my prayers. His faithful response, full of wisdom, made total sense.

It may be too simple, but ignoring the mess is my solution right now. I'm seriously contemplating reducing the toys to what can easily fit into one toy box and nothing more. Other than that, I'm learning to let it go. It hasn't happened over night, you understand. I still feel an adrenaline rush of aggravation when I go in their rooms to kiss them good night. But I'll get over it. I believe it will be for the best.

Life With Five

2011-09-24T16:57:00.001-04:00

Adding a baby into the family is like a comet barreling into the earth's atmosphere. Routines are a joke. The house is a mess. And everyone's crying.

In the days post partum, life pulled me along and I stumbled, trying to keep up. It felt like I was drowning, my head bobbing up occasionally, sputtering for air and coughing up water.

Four weeks later, I am blinking and staring at the light wondering how the heck did my tiny bundle become this fat baby? And when did I start making Isaiah empty the dishwasher? How long has the girls' room been trashed? Has Samuel always been so big?

I forgot how much I enjoy my children. I became a cranky-you-know-what during my pregnancy and I struggled to get through each day, often resorting to hollering and crying. Now that I feel more like Non-Pregnant Jessica, my kids are much more enjoyable. They're actually fun again!

Oh, and who is this hunky man I share a bed with every night? Jason was so patient and gentle with me during the pregnancy. He took over most of the household chores. (Or taught the kids how to do them.) He cooked dinner and did the bedtime routine. Jason was awesome. As I feel more and more like ME, my eyes adjust and I feel like I'm falling in love with him again. Aw....

So, things are good at the Keys' House. We have five kids. Wow. Sometimes, I look around and think, "someone's missing!" But a quick headcount reassures me that, no, there are five kids in the living room, and life with five really feels this natural. I am one grateful and blessed woman!

Why I Chose an Epidural

2011-09-09T22:55:00.000-04:00

Things change. People change. I changed my mind.

I am a natural birth supporter. I think birth is an amazing opportunity to realize the strength and power God gives women. I committed to un-medicated labor four previous times. Number Five was different. I was weary of the pain of childbirth. I chose an epidural.

When the pregnancy began, I told Jason I wanted an epidural. He did not have peace about it and I did not want to make the decision on my own. Begrudgingly, I decided to not pursue it without Jason's 100% support. Pregnancy marched along and I prepared for another all natural birth.

Three weeks before Matthew was born, I got scared that the baby wasn't moving enough and we raced to the hospital to be monitored. As I laid in the hospital bed, hooked up to monitors, watching TV, I couldn't help but think "this could be how my labor goes". I mulled that over for a few weeks.  I re-opened the topic with Jason. He caved in and gave me the go ahead. "Let's try it with this one", he said.

I was blessed to have a wonderful OB, Dr. Hewitt. Throughout the summer, I prepared Dr.Hewitt for my labor. I printed out a detailed birth plan with unusual requests like "mother will bathe the baby"; "no eye drops in baby"; "mother wants to labor in any position"; etc. Dr. Hewitt nodded along, interested and intrigued by my past homebirth experiences.  It was a huge surprise to the kind doctor when, at my last prenatal appointment, I said, "Don't be shocked... but I've decided I want an epidural". She just laughed and marked my chart.

How could I choose an epidural when I know all the risks and I also have already had four babies without pain meds? Something changed in me between Samuel and Matthew's birth. I grew up. I lost a baby (my little October baby). With the other childbirths, "the birthing experience" was very important to me. This time, I just wanted my baby. I didn't care how he got from inside my womb to into my arms; I just wanted him to be healthy and alive.

The first few days post partum, I began second guessing my decision for the epidural.  Over and over again, I let the scary reaction of the epidural run through my mind. I followed "what if" rabbit trails. I regretted my decision. Until I remembered... during the labor, I was thrilled with my epidural. I enjoyed labor; that had never happened before. After a few days, I laid the obsessive worrying aside. I embraced my decision and the joy it gave me during labor.

Would I have an epidural again? I don't know. I don't even know if we will have a sixth baby. I'm considering adopting as opposed to going through pregnancy/childbirth again. But that's another day. Another baby.

Would I encourage other women to have epidurals? It's a personal choice. Having a child naturally is incredible. But my epidural birth was incredible, too (aside from the initial reaction to the drugs).  I encourage women to research all their options and then be open to whichever direction labor takes you.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

My Baby!

2011-09-09T13:59:00.002-04:00

A proud Papa and Momma and a fussy Matthew.

I am admiring Mr. Matthew; I did good!
Note the old hospital room they put us in. Green walls!
And there's my mother in the background, texting my daddy.

Matthew's Birth Story

2011-09-09T13:51:00.000-04:00

**Here is Matthew's birth story, as requested by my darling fans (love you CH, Autumn W. and Lindsey B.!!) Per my usual, it's very detailed. Warning to the faint of heart!!**

I have birthed five babies. Two in a hospital, three at home; only one with an epidural.

The Braxton hicks contractions that had been assaulting me for over a month turned serious on Tuesday, August 23rd. All day I felt contractions that hurt down low in my abdomen. Tuesday was the day my friends were coming over to bless the baby, me and my upcoming birth. All through the Mother Blessing, my contractions continued. My mother and sister had arrived from Wyoming on Monday, August 22nd, and my mother continually studied me. These contractions were serious and she knew it.

I went to bed around 10pm on Tuesday night, wondering if the painful contractions would really bring labor or if I might be the one woman in the world to be pregnant forever. As the contractions continued and woke me off and on through the night, I knew this was it. Around 3:30am, I started timing the contractions. They were between five and eight minutes apart and lasted 30 to 60 seconds; still easy to manage. Around 4:30am, the contractions got harder and were consistently five minutes apart. I decided to wake up Jason.

“I think we’re gonna have a baby today, Jason,” I whispered to him. He rolled over, quite awake and stared at me. I grinned and gave him an update on my contractions.

“And you just now woke me up?” he asked. I shrugged. We laid in bed talking through a few contractions. Jason recognized the pain and the consistency, and agreed that a baby was definitely on the way today. We got up and started packing for the hospital, going over my previously prepared list. While we packed, the contractions picked up and became too painful to talk through.

I woke my mother and sister around 5:45am and told them we would have a baby today. They were very excited and started getting ready to leave for the hospital. I texted my friend, Kim, who was our amazing childcare person. She lived an hour away and estimated she should arrive at our house around 7:15am. Mom and Rachel stayed at the house until Kim arrived and then they joined us at the hospital.

Jason and I finished packing and began the hour long trip to our hospital in Ruidoso. Leading up to the labor, I had worried about the long drive, but it ended up not being an issue at all. Jason drove fast, and I closed my eyes and sang praise and worship songs. Singing was very comforting to me and helped manage the now very painful contractions.

Arriving at the hospital, we discovered they were full of post partum moms and laboring moms. We were given the back-up, back-up room. It had green tiled walls, no TV, no bathroom and was full of storage. I didn’t care. I was here to have a baby, not a party. Bring it on.

I told the OB nurse, Chrystal, I wanted an epidural. She was looking through my birth plan. I told her to forget the first few pages as I had changed my mind in the past few weeks and no longer desired a painful, un-medicated birth. Chrystal closed up my file and helped me get into bed. She told me all the things they would do before I could get an epidural. First on the list was to check me and see if I really was in labor. Chrystal checked me and told me I was only at a one. I just about cried. My OB, Dr. Hewitt, walked in right about then and also checked me. Dr. Hewitt found me to be at a five, much, much better! Apparently, I’m hard to check; they had to practically dig for my cervix every time they checked me.

Dr. Hewitt wished me the best, said she’d be in touch, and left the room. The nurses ran my blood, looking for the palatal count and gave me a full bag of IV fluids to raise my blood pressure. I signed the release form for the epidural.

The anesthesiologist, Dr. Wrath, joined us in the room. “Everybody out,” he said severely, looking pointedly at my mother and sister. Mom and Rachel left quickly, assuring me they would be praying for us. Then Dr. Wrath turned his serious stare at Jason, “you have to sit down,” he said. Jason and I laughed before we realized the doctor was serious. Jason quickly sat down.

I was very nervous at this point. I considered backing out of the epidural. All the horrible possible complications from an epidural ran through my mind. I knew all the risks by heart because I had researched epidurals over and over again. Yet, here I was, choosing an epidural. My heart raced, and I doubted my decision. My mind imagined telling Dr. Wrath never mind and to please leave. But I dug up some courage and determination, reminding myself that a pain free labor was right around the corner.

I hung my legs off the side of the bed while they pumped the bed higher and higher. Dr. Wrath, a tall, young, athletic man, began laying out his supplies. “Don’t put your hand to your right,” he said.

“She brought her own gown,” Chrystal answered an unasked question.

I heard Dr. Wrath sigh from behind me. “Well, I can’t promise to not get blood on it,” he said shortly.

“I don’t care. I know birth is gory. It’s ok,” I said, trying to reassure him.

He numbed my back and inserted the epidural catheter. It hurt, but not terribly. He put in a small dose of medication and we waited. “Do you feel dizzy? Light headed?” Dr. Wrath asked me.

Aside from my nerves, I felt fine. Satisfied that no allergic reaction was coming, Dr. Wrath hooked the medicine up and it flowed through my body. I immediately only felt the pressure of contractions and no pain. I sighed deeply. It was going to be OK.

Dr. Wrath taped my back up with the epidural tube and Chrystal instructed me to lie down. I begun to feel sick. “I feel kind of … weird, “ I said as I gently laid back on my bed.

“What do you mean ‘weird’?” Dr. Wrath asked.

“Like I’m gonna pass out,” I said, my voice trailing off as my blood pressure plummeted and I began to travel into unconsciousness. Everyone sounded far away and I felt my hands drop limply to the side. The next ten minutes were odd and scary. I woke up with ringing ears and sweat drops all over my face.

Chrystal shoved the baby’s heart monitor over my abdomen. I heard nothing. She moved it again. Nothing.

“Is the baby OK?” I asked, my voice weak. She didn’t answer me. No one did. Then a slow heart beat filled the room. Much too slow for a baby. I drifted out again.

“Jessica, we’re going to put a fetal monitor on the baby,” someone said. I saw two older nurses leaning over me, shoving their hands inside me. My water broke.

“Meconium.” The word was passed between the six medical professionals surrounding my bed.

“Jessica, can you get on your side?”

“Get the mother oxygen.”

An oxygen bottle and mask were shoved at my face. I took deep breaths, lying obediently on my left side. The heartbeat came up, but not by much.

“Jessica, roll over on the other side.”

Gloriously, the baby’s heart rate rose again to a safe level. I noticed Dr. Hewitt had joined the brigade around me bed. She looked at me and smiled reassuringly.

“Can my husband come over here?” I asked wearily.

Jason quickly appeared and held my hand. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I shouldn’t have had the epidural…. I made a mistake.”

He leaned in close to me and said, “It’s too early for that. We’ll talk about that later. It’s OK. The baby’s OK. You’re OK. Don’t worry.”

The worse was over. I was numb from the waist down. My blood pressure was normal again and the baby’s heartbeat thrummed healthily. Dr. Hewitt checked me one more time before she headed to her clinic. It was 10am and I was dilated to a seven. Dr. Hewitt expected a baby by lunch.

I started shivering uncontrollably. The nurses weren’t worried. Mom and Rachel rejoined us and we filled them on the scary ten minutes they missed. Jason found a blanket and covered me up. The shivering subsided. We settled in for the waiting game.

I labored without pain. It was amazing. Every now and then I could feel little pressure. After an hour, I was still at a 7/8, so they started Pitocin. I didn’t care. I couldn’t feel anything, so who cared? Let’s get the labor moving. Mom laughed at my nonchalance approach to labor. It was so different for me.

I was unaware of the hours moving past us. I enjoyed the company of my family. Jason felt left out of the action… there was no action. My body moved the labor along without my help. It was odd, and so wonderful at the same time. I loved not feeling any pain.

At around 12pm, I was dilated to a nine, the baby’s head right against the cervix. The young nurse in training, Jenee,’ excitedly felt the baby’s head and grinned at me.

“I’m gonna wait till you tell me you’re ready to push. You let me know when you’re complete,” Chrystal said. She patted my leg and left.

Two hours later, I was still at a nine; the baby’s head had slipped back, off the cervix. They upped the Pitocin. I started feeling the contractions, even though we kept pressing the button on the epidural every 12 minutes (as allowed) to up the pain medication. Around 2:40pm, the Pitocin was clicked up again. Now things were intense.

I felt the Pitocin-induced contractions. I could feel them in my lower back and around front. I asked Jason to apply counter pressure to my back; it helped.

"It hurts," I complained loudly. "It's not supposed to hurt." I gritted my teeth as another roll of pain assaulted my numb-ish body. Mentally, I realized I had to accept the fact that my labor was hurting and would continue to hurt. I decided to suck it up and have this baby. After just a few of these difficult contractions, I started pushing.

“I’m pushing!” I said. Rachel poked her head out the door and notified the nurse. Into the room, Chrystal and Jenee’ rushed. They checked me, confirming the obvious; the baby was coming.

I pushed hard with each contraction. The epidural took the edge off, but I could still feel the pain of my body working to bring forth my baby.

“Do you want to try panting, Jessica?” Chrystal asked. My eyes were closed but I could hear her moving quickly around the room, preparing the stage for the imminent birth. She must have already notified my OB, Dr. Hewitt who was working in her clinic across the street.

“No. You get down there and catch that baby,” I said. “Or let Jenee’ do it.” I heard my mother giggle. We were almost over and that gave me great strength. I pushed hard and felt my baby move through my bones. I grunted loudly with each push.

Dr. Hewitt made it as the baby’s head was crowning. She rushed to put on her gown, not having time to slip her shoe coves on. I pushed… and felt my skin stretch. Pushing… pushing… stretching… stretching.

“I can’t do it!” I hollered.

“Jess, you’re doing it.”

My perineum stretched and burned. “There’s a cord…” I heard Dr. Hewitt say.

“Is the head out?” I asked. I was waiting for the relief that always accompanying the head’s exit. There was no relief.

"Yes," Rachel answered me as she clicked away with the camera. "The head's out!"

“He’s stuck…” Dr. Hewitt said. Quickly, before I knew what was happening, both nurses were at my legs, pulling my knees up to my chin.
“PUSH! Jessica, PUSH!”

I took a deep breath and pushed as hard as I could, my grunt becoming a yell. The baby’s shoulders shifted and his body slithered out of mine.

“I did it!” I lifted my arms in victory. Mom and Rachel clapped and whooped. Jason grinned. The medical staff smiled as they worked carefully on the baby and on me.

Our little Matthew was very blue, but pinked up after they gave him oxygen and a good rub down. He wasn’t interested in nursing right away, but was very alert and fussy. He looked around, cried, looked around and cried some more. After they moved me to the recovery room, Matthew was ready for his first meal.

I was happy to have my baby in my arms. He is worth every pain and aggravation of pregnancy, labor and birth. I am so very grateful to be his mother.

Pregnant Momma's Thoughts

2011-08-04T21:38:00.001-04:00

In case you missed the obvious, I'm pregnant. Very pregnant.

Pregnancy is an intense mixture of blessing and suffering.  Carrying life is amazing. I am humbled and honored to be a woman who is called to carry and birth children.  This calling is not without pain and suffering. Morning sickness, stretching ligaments, emotional roller coasters, exhaustion, not to mention labor and delivery, all combine to create endless opportunities for personal growth.

Approaching delivery I prepare myself for complete surrender to the birth process.  I learned the hard way with Samuel's birth that labor is easier when I lay everything down and willingly ride the waves of pain. I talk to God a lot about labor and pain. I have gathered a list of songs in my MP3 player to encourage me and keep me focused on the ultimate outcome of labor. The ultimate, desired outcome of labor is a healthy baby and a healthy momma. I have added to this outcome my desire that God be glorified through my labor and delivery.

Even while mentally preparing for labor pains, I am praying and asking God to take away the pain. I have heard of women having pain free labors, and I put in my request for one of those. I don't believe God intended for women to birth in pain. It's the result of the curse of sin through the imperfect Eve (Genesis 3:16). Despite the new covenant of Christ, women continue to have excruciating pain through childbirth. I talk to God about this too. And I have asked for the originial plan, to birth easily and pain free.

Even with asking for a miraculous pain free birth, I submit to whatever He has planned for me. There is so much growth through suffering. God uses pregnancy and childbirth to mature and grow women.  I learn to completely rely on Him as I walk the trials of motherhood. I know that suffering produces perseverence. Perseverance, character and character, hope (Romans 5:3). I want these charactistics to be a sincere part of my life.

As I await the deliverance of my pregnancy and the arrival of my gift of God, little Matthew, I sink deeper and deeper into His grace. I waddle around the house, doing chores while my belly tightens with "false labor". I take deep breaths and relax into the knowledge that God is a big, big God. He is more than enough for me. I trust Him with every part of me.

brothers and sisters

2011-06-24T11:56:00.000-04:00

When I was about four years old, during the Texas summer heat, my siblings and I spent hours in the backyard swimming pool. My older brother, Israel, would pretend to be a shark and attack me and our little sister, Rachel. We would screech and stumble over ourselves, trying to get away.

Years later, when Israel got his drivers license, he took us to the mall. On the way home, it was raining. The new driver slipped and his tiny Volkswagon Rabit skidded into the ditch. All of us stared at each other, our breathing and heartrate slowly coming back down to normal. When we realized we were all OK, we started laughing. Israel put the car in first gear, gunned it, and we slipped back out of the ditch.

Growing up side by side, I took my siblings for granted. There were five of us, total. Israel, my big brother; Rachel, the one who others thought was my twin (only 13 months younger than me); Sarah, my baby sister whose personality matches my own; and the baby brother, Jonathon, the one who adored me and I, him. We lived side by side, marching into life in wide-eyed wonder. We kept secrets from my parents. We fought viciously for invisible sibling rights. Life was linked to each other.

Scattering like the seeds of a dandelion in the wind, my siblings are now all over the United States of America. I haven't spoken to my dear baby brother since Christmas Day, and sadly, that was within a text. My littlest sister's distance goes beyond the miles that seperate us. My big brother continues to amaze and impress me with his talents and abilities as we tentavely discover the adult version of each other.  I'm blessed to call my other sister one of my best friends.

It saddens me to lose my siblings. I feel like I lost my group. We surrounded each other for years, not always on the same side, but still, together.  Now we are all grown ups, and I miss being a part of their lives.

I watch my children, the sibling group my husband and I have created. They play dress up together, share meals together, fight and holler at each other, and share silly jokes together. Life is linked to each other. Peering into the hazy future, I wonder what their relationships will be when they are all grown. Will their friendships be strong when their lives veer off in seperate directions?   Will they look back on their childhood and remember the sweet moments?

I pray they will. I am motivated to give them opportunity to form life long bonds, reminding them how precious their brothers and sisters are in their lives. We work on building a family that moves like a team, helping each other and sacrificing for one another. And I treasure the time with my children. As the older women remind me, time goes by quickly. Soon, I will miss them as they run full force into the world, doing God's will.

I think I'll call my brother. Well, maybe an email...

only God can explain

2011-06-14T17:27:00.000-04:00

I got my own personal miracle this week.

At 2:20am, I woke up to strong cramping. Thinking it was something I ate, I headed for the bathroom. There, I discovered blood. Bloody toilet paper and blood in the toilet bowl. What scared me the most was the blood clotted tissue on the toilet paper. I was bleeding. I was almost 29 weeks pregnant and bleeding. Not spotting. Bright, fresh blood. I started hyperventilating and crying. I put my hand on my belly, and raised the other hand in the air "Lord, I surrender this baby to you! Please save him!"

Careful to not wake the toddler who had joined me in bed a few hours earlier, I headed out of my room to call my mother-in-law, Tami. Her midwife experiences are priceless to me and I knew she would confirm my fears. She answered the call quickly. I told her about the blood and that I thought I should go to the ER at the hospital downtown. She said, "Yes, go. Now. Don't wait for Jason to get home. He should meet you there."

Jason was working the night shift. I hung up with Tami and called Jason. "I'm bleeding. I called Tami and she said I need to go to the ER. To meet you there. OK?" Slight pause as Jason took it in. This is our sixth pregnancy. Four ended in birth. One ended in bleeding and death. We knew, this far along, bleeding was not normal at all and we needed medical help. "OK. I'll see you there," he said softly.

I woke Rachel, my sister who is currently staying with us and helping out, quickly told her the situation. We hugged each other and I hurried off into the night, the mini-van's lights hitting the deserted country roads.  I was calling my daddy before hitting the main highway, waking him from a dead sleep.

"Daddy? I'm sorry to bother you.... I just wanted you to know that I'm heading to the ER with vaginal bleeding,"  my voice shook.  Daddy voice was heavy with sleep, "Um... how many weeks are you?" "Tweny-nine," I whispered. "Ok, Jessi. We'll be praying for you. Love you." Then I was alone in the van.

And I prayed. I cried out to the Almighty God to come and heal me and this baby. From my previous research, I knew that vaginal bleeding is not normal. Often bleeding is from problems with the placenta or some type of vaginal infection. Both of which can cause premature labor. Placenta problems are usually resolved with emergency Cesarean to save both mother and baby.

"Lord, I want this baby. I want this baby to grow up. I want to hear him call me Momma...." I cried as I drove in the dark. "I want to watch him ride bikes with his brothers. I want more time than this!" I felt peace wash over me and soothe me. "Lord, I release this baby to you. Please come and have your way. I trust you. No matter what." There was nothing I could do to stop the bleeding. I could do nothing to make my body hold this baby inside for another 11 weeks. But God could; and so, I beseeched him.

My parents were praying. Jason's parents were praying. My Daddy posted a request for prayer on Facebook and many people responded with simple posts, "praying". I believe somewhere between my home and the hospital, God moved inside my body. I believe He healed me.

At the hospital, there was no more blood! None. All the tests came back normal. The sonogram showed a healthy placenta in exactly the right position. The baby's heartbeat was strong and he kicked and moved about during the 6 hours we were observed on the Labor and Delivery wing. The hospital staff faithfully searched every possibility for causes to vaginal bleeding and came up short each time. We were discharged with admonishes to come back if the bleeding started again or if I had contractions or cramping.

There is no explaination other than a miracle. At home, I research vaginal bleeding in the 3rd trimester. Every website said "go to the ER. Get medical help." Every article warned of placenta previa or placenta abruption. My bleeding was real. I really did see blood clots on the toilet paper. God's plan was greater. God stopped whatever was wrong inside my body and kept my baby within me, healthy and strong. Praise His name!

"So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you."   -Deuteronomy 31:6

the non-due-date

2011-06-07T17:33:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was Vivian Joy's due date. It was a hard day to walk through. June 6th. When I discover a pregnancy, the due date is one of the first things I calculate. That date sears into my brain as the countdown to delivery begins. June 6th. As May passed us by, I knew the no-longer-big-day was coming. Sometimes, I pushed those thoughts down and didn't want to think about it. Other times... I wrapped the thought into my mind, hugging the few memories of Vivian close to me.

Sunday night, June 5th, I realized "it's tomorrow!" I knew it was, but I had to be sure. I pulled out 2010 calender, but the darkly scratched out weekly marks were not helpful. I sat on the couch feeling at a loss of how to know for sure. Then I rememembered, I was charting when we made Vivian. My charts were tucked underneath the bathroom counter, not necessary now with pregnancy instead of periods. In the bathroom, I searched methodically through my old charts. Two years worth of charting clipped neatly to a pink clipboard. I couldn't find it. My searching grew almost frantic. Proof. I needed proof that she lived.

There it was. I had hidden it at the bottom of the pile. I pulled the chart out with the "happy face" sketched beside the bold "ETA June 6th" and the cycle length marked "9 months" beside yet another "happy face". Without warning, I realized I was sobbing. The sobs reminded me of the cries that took over months ago in the same bathroom as I processed the loss of my October baby. The October baby who should have been a June baby. I bent over my now swollen belly and gasped for air. The chart proved that Vivian had been alive and real. I had written on September 28th "three positive pregnancy tests!!!" I stared at my chart and caressed it. "I wish it had turned out differently, little baby." With a sigh, I quickly stashed all the charts back beneath the sink and left the bathroom, drying my tears.

It is odd to mourn the loss of one baby while carrying and celebrating the growing life of another. I want this baby, but I also wish we could have had our Vivian. The "real" Baby #5. I want both. I wish Vivian could have been born, alive and healthy, last week and this little baby, growing now for 28 weeks, come a few years down the road.

But I can't click my heels together and make my wish come true. Vivian's in heaven, long gone from my body. I can only imagine what might have been. And I have a new baby now. One that pushes against me even as I type a memorial to his sibling who preceded him in life and death.

So, I ask God to kiss Vivian good night and tell her I miss her. I ask him to let her know her big sister reminded her mother that she "has a baby in her tummy and one in Heaven". And I rub my belly and feel life kick back. This is the path God chose for us. He will dry my tears and lift my head. Thank you for life, Lord. "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." Job 1:21 For me, in the past year, the Lord has done both. I will praise His Name.

Time4Learning Final Review

2011-06-07T17:03:00.001-04:00

My family enjoyed our month with Time4Learning. I signed Isaiah and Rose up for one month trial. As I mentioned in an earlier post, we had some issues when we first started using Time4Learning. Specifically, Isaiah was not able to work independently on the computer with Time4Learning. We solved that problem by keeping an adult beside him to assist in reading the directions.

The more Isaiah used Time4Learning, the more he enjoyed it. I found it affirming to see him reading, proof that my efforts in teaching 1st Grade has been worth it! He does read! We basically used Time4Learning as a year-end-review.

Rose did awesome with the PreK/Kindergarten lessons. The younger curriculum is easier to maneuver than the 1st Grade lessons Isaiah struggled through. Rose easily chose which lessons she was interested in and gleefully played the learning games. She thoroughly enjoyed Time4Learning.

My favorite thing about Time4Learning was the section where the parent signs in and can see exactly what her child has been busy doing on the learning program. Many lessons were scored with a number grade (example, 86%) and it was good to know where Isaiah's comprehension level was with various lessons. Parents are supposed to be able to assign lessons everyday for the kids, but I couldn't figure out how to do that during our month trial.

Which brings me to my conclusion. While I would definitely recommend Time4Learning, I don't think it's the best fit for our family. The biggest reason is that I have four kids and, while the monthly cost is affordable for small families, for us, it quickly adds up. If Time4Learning could offer a monthly price for large families (more than two kids), we would be interested. As of now, I think the Keys will keep plodding along with library books and free Internet resources.

**This is a personal review by Yours Truly and as usual, my opinion is 100% my own. The content of this review was not written by Time4Learning, but the writer was compensated. **

Time4Learning mid month review

2011-05-17T11:50:00.000-04:00

For the past two weeks, we've been signed up with Time4Learning. Isaiah has only used the program twice because the first time he sat down at the laptop to play/learn, we were both frustrated. Originally, I imagined independent learning for Isaiah. I imagined him playing and learning off in the corner while I managed the other three children. Instead, he kept needing me to come explain directions to him as they were often not read outloud during the lesson.

The first time Isaiah played Time4Learning, I made him do one phonics lesson. He hated it. After that, in an attempt to ~~trick~~ encourage him into liking the program, I allowed him to choose the other lessons. Isaiah ~~gleefully~~ obediently skipped phonics and reading lessons and headed the science games. He enjoyed the science lessons, but I still had to be available to read some of the directions to him.

Yesterday, he actually asked to do Time4Learning. I was excited about that! He wanted to learn! Yea!! We sat down together this time, to ward off the frustration of him trying to do it on his own. And I insisted he try more phonics/reading lessons. I walked Isaiah through clicking on the right icons and he began his lessons about the sounds m/ch/sh/ck.

The second time around was much better than the first. Having an adult right beside Isaiah helped tremendously. He was also more familiar with the program and maneuvered through it with a bit more ease. And he persevered for almost an hour, staying with phonics/reading the whole time! Isaiah was reading their online books by the end of his session!

At this point, I would recommend Time4Learning and I will probably sign up for atleast another month. There are Also, I want Rose and Lela to use Time4Learning to see how well they do with the lessons.

This is my half way review. More to come in a few weeks....

Plans Amuck

2011-05-03T12:25:00.000-04:00

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

I love to make plans. I love schedules and routines. I thrive on alphabetized lists. I have an organized personality, very close to a control freak.

But this does not always serve me well. Plans fail. Schedules run amuck. Lists get lost. And control freaks have four kids and fall apart. Having four kids in the house reframes me and my organized self. I cannot let my desire for a clean house drive me to insanity over the dirt and toys.

"How do you do it?" is a common question thrown at me from awed individuals. They look at me like I'm a saint with an only slightly tarnished halo. How do I do it with four kids and another one on the way? Um, my other option would be what? Falling on the floor, curling up into the fetal position and crying all day long? I do what I have to do, constantly running to the Lord for grace and mercy.

Lists and schedules have slowly become guidelines instead of attempts to control life. Life will not be controlled. Life is fast and changes every moment. Priorities shift and I learn that I would rather read a book to my kids then sweep the dirt off the floor. The dirt will always be here, but someday my kids will be grown and out the door. I don't want to miss out on my one and only opportunity to pour into their lives.

It's not that I don't still have lists and schedules, I do. I am learning more and more how to allow God to direct my steps. I want to be OK when He chuckles softly at my expectations, and gently realigns them. God sees the big picture. He knows that a week on the couch resting due to unexpected contractions will bring about growth in a certain momma. He knows that canceling a four year old's birthday plans will grow our family closer. I see just a tiny piece of life, but God sees eternity.

So I continue to daily surrender to the God of the universe. His ways are higher than my ways. His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. (Isaiah 55:9) Today I look at my list and lay it at the feet of the Father. "Lord, this is what I want to accomplish today, but you come and have your way." Amen.

Seeds of LIFE

2011-03-31T12:56:00.000-04:00

I have faith for a garden to appear this summer. Our hearts are full of plans and dreams of watermelons, corn, tomatoes, strawberries, peppers and carrots.

Tiny seeds are promises of fruit, vegetables, flowers, trees and LIFE! Planting seeds reminds me of how God sows within our hearts. When we first surrender our lives to Christ, salvation is sown into our hearts. Grace and faith take time to cultivate and thrive. I have to take care of the spiritual seeds within my spirit. If I don't water them with prayer and feed the seeds with the Word of God, they will wilt and my growth will be stunted. But when I come to God on a a daily basis, like the sunshine miraculously grows the vegetable seedlings into full grown, mature plants putting forth delicious fruit, God's presence warms the seeds He plants within me and I grow in my faith.

Isn't it amazing that God allows us to be creators? He allows His creations to re-create life as a woman grows a human being within her womb. I can share in God's creative abilities as I follow the steps He designed, taking tiny seeds, poking them into wet soil, and expectantly waiting for the fruit of my labor. It is God who knits the baby together inside me and it is God who allows us to reap what we sow.

God is showing me so much about himself as Jason and I begin our garden. Right now we are working on finishing the deck. The next step is fencing off our garden plot to protect it from children and animals. Finally, when we know the garden will be safe, we will till the soil and put seeds and our seedlings into the ground.

I'll keep you posted.

New Wiggles and Bittersweet Memories

2011-03-11T11:10:00.000-05:00

The pregnancy is going well. I think, but I'm not certain, I felt my newest baby wiggle inside my womb yesterday. It was higher than I expected which then prompted research via my phone to investigate just where my uterus should be at this point in the pregnancy. According to Google, at 16 weeks the uterus is about 2 inches below the belly button. It amazes me that my baby is already rising up and growing so big.

The growth and life of this baby is bittersweet. I have not forgotten Vivian. She floats through my mind. During the intense time of healing, God used many songs to bring me comfort. When they come on the radio, all those memories of pain and loss barrel into my heart. But the songs also remind me of the things God whispered to my heart that brought peace and healing.

I am hesitate to truly prepare for this new baby. With each of my other children, I sewed a baby quilt during the pregnancy. Even during those short few weeks when I was pregnant with Vivian I began to mentally plot out a quilt. While I am dreaming of a baby in my arms come August, I want to wait until after 24 weeks to buy everything and design the new baby quilt. Part of it is, I am exhausted and tired all the time and I struggle to maintain the home. If I am honest with myself, I know the other reason is because of the fear of loosing another baby.

If I really believe God loves me, I can trust Him with my future. If I really believe He loves my children, I can trust Him with their future. Whatever that looks like. I am learning to trust Him. I am learning to not be afraid of His plans for me.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Drinking In the Word

2011-01-31T15:28:00.003-05:00

I have been walking around my home feeling... odd. Am I depressed? Is it the pregnancy? What is wrong with me?

I could not put my finger on it until just now. I've been empty. Empty.

In His gracious way, the Lord led me to Isaiah 55.

"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters.... Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare."

As I read this, my soul cried out. I prayed, "God, meet me where I'm at! Please, can you come to me in my home? With my sleeping children and son playing in the next room? Who am I that you could come to me..." and then my mind was filled with the image of drinking ice cold water on a hot day. The sensation of fresh water hitting my mouth, filling it and racing down my throat. I can feel it all the way to my stomach sometimes as it cools my insides.

This is how the Father wants to come to us. But we have to pause and drink in His presence. It is hard to pause in the middle of life. A quiet moment in my house is rare unless all the small ones are sleeping. And even then... The pause to drink in the Word and the very presence of the Almighty God is so worth it!

"Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near." Isaiah 55:6

Evolving School at the Keys

2011-01-25T22:44:00.005-05:00

"I hate school!" is Isaiah's mantra recently.

When he first stated the above comment, I backed off with schooling. It was the holidays, I was mourning the loss of my miscarriage, and it was easy to pause school. I even tried my hand at "unschooling'. There are various definitions of unschooling. Some unschooling families do absolutely zero formal schooling and allow the children to learn on their own accord. Other unschooling families do some formal schooling, but leave most subjects to the whims of the child. I have a very dear friend who unschools, so if you leave a comment, be sure to be nice! **smiling politely**

After two months of no formal school, I questioned my unschooling decision. I realized if I didn't teach my child to read, he would fall quickly behind his peers. While I battled within myself why that mattered, I prayed for direction and guidance from my Source of wisdom, the Almighty God. During this time of prayer, I picked Isaiah up from Sunday School and noticed a piece of paper in his hand. His teacher expected him to be able to read it. Ah. One reason why it was OK to expect Isaiah to be on the same learning level as his peers.

In my prayer time over this issue, God reminded me of various issues in my life that I do, even though I don't like doing them. For example, cleaning toilets. I hate cleaning toilets. And doing dishes. Eating healthy foods. Requiring Isaiah to knuckle down and learn how to read is good for him, even if he "hates" it. Often, God requires us to do things we do not want to do. It is good for us and builds character.

We are on week two of knuckling down and continuing formal learning. We set the timer for 30 minutes, once in the morning and again in the afternoon. The younger children are gently banished to their bedrooms and Isaiah and I focus on his lesson. The biggest improvement we have made to school time is we now invite God to join us. We start each learning session with prayer, asking God to come and give us both patience, perseverance and strength.

My ultimate goal for my children is that they love the Lord their God with all their heart, soul, and strength. I want God to be number one in their lives; this is my deepest prayer. One of the most powerful ways I grow in my relationship with the Lord is by seeking His truths in the Holy Word of God, putting my ability to read to excellent use. Teaching Isaiah to read enables him to begin to search the Word for himself, bringing him closer to the Father.

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." Proverbs 16:3

Motherhood Follies: The Sunday Cereal

2011-01-16T16:32:00.004-05:00

Jason graciously offered me the extra hour of sleep a few Sundays ago. Our kids rise with the sun, or shortly before it. This particular Sunday, Jason gave me the morning to sleep in. I enjoyed the extra sleep, but I relished the down time. My morning was absent of the usual begging and pleas of the children. I joyfully got out of bed and took my bathroom break minus two-year-old Samuel's usual visit. It was wondrous!

Jason brought me breakfast in bed, assuring me that the kids were fed and getting ready for church. My stress free morning seemed too good to be true. I ate in peace and enjoyed the quiet time with my husband.

Shortly after the quiet morning meal, I began getting ready for church. A child escaped Daddy's firm hand, Rose skipped to my bathroom door and asked for help putting a clip in her hair. I noted a layer of crumbs on her tights.

"Were you rolling on the floor, Rose?"

"Um, no. Sam spilled some cereal on the floor," she said.

I dismissed the crumbs and finished her hair. She scampered off happily. I finished getting ready and headed out the bedroom door. The kids ran about, putting shoes on and looking for coats. Jason grinned at me, pleased with himself and his morning offering.

And then I saw it. My payback for a peaceful morning. Two full boxes of cereal were emptied out on the kitchen floor. Tan crumbs filled every edge of the tiles. My breath caught in my throat. I paused and stared at the mess. Ignore it, I told myself and headed for the fridge.

CRUNCH. CRUNCH. My high heels crushed the cereal into tiny pieces. I gritted my teeth and kept walking. CRUNCH. CRUNCH. With a low growl, I whirled around and crunched quickly back across the floor. I grabbed the broom out of the closet and began swipping the offensive mess.

"This is what I get for taking a morning off!" I hollered into the empty room. Jason rounded the corner.

"Put the broom down, Jessica," he said. He held his hand out for the broom. I snarled. He glared. I knew he was drawing the line, but I just couldn't bring myself to give in.

He sighed and turned around. I swept the dad gum floor, grumbling internally in my heart.

On the way to church, I calmed down and we discussed the mess.

"I was gonna clean it up," he said.

"Ha!" I tried to tone down the sarcasm. "When?"

He sighed loudly.

I should have kept crunching across the floor and ignored the mess. I want to be The Mom who is not moved by circumstance. The kids were happy. My man was happy. I was happy... before the cereal discover, that is. I gave the cereal, or the mess, power of me, allowing it to influence my attitude.

Next time, I'm gonna tap the crumbs off my Sunday heels, smile broadly, and head out to church. Next time....

here we go again...

2010-12-23T09:41:00.003-05:00

I have peed on six pregnancy test sticks this week. One was negative. Two days later, a very, very faint second pink line appeared. That was Thursday, December 16th, seven days before the "missed period". Friday, still faint second line. Saturday, the line was darker and by Sunday, I had an obvious second pink line. For fun, I took one more test, the last in the package, just to play "peek-a-boo" with the new baby.

A new baby. Words fail me. How do I describe the complex war of emotions pushing against each other inside my heart and thoughts? I am happy. We did this on purpose. We tried for a baby. I am grateful. God has given us life again. I am scared. What if....

And so we begin anew. I am four weeks pregnant. New due date. New story. New baby.

It's the tenth grandbaby. Again. It's my fifth baby. Again. Where do I start count? Technically, this is my seventh baby, if you count the disappearing twin (Rose's pregnancy) and our lost October baby. But no one counts those babies. For all appearances, this is our fifth child.

I hold my breath and pray. And trust God for His eternal plan to come to fruition within me.

The joy is different.

New Mexico Home Beginning to Fit

2010-12-11T10:56:00.002-05:00

Moving continues to be life altering. Yes, that sounds quite dramatic and trite, but it is true. Relocating involves yanking up roots. Healthy roots grow deep down into the soil of life and I had let mine really grow in Virginia.

At first my root replanting did not seem to take in New Mexico. I fell in love with the mountains surrounding Alamogordo, but everything else felt foreign. But God is faithful! I realized recently that my house now feels like MY house. Like breaking in a pair of new shoes, my house is feeling more and more like it fits me.

When we left VA, we left a swamp. Everything was wet and mushy in Virginia. From the swamp to the dessert we came. There is no mush in New Mexico. Our basin is a dust bowl. When I walk across the dry earth, my foot prints kick up dust that swirls up my body and into my throat and nostrils. After playing outside, the kids return covered in dust. Their hair, skin, and clothes are a different color, wearing the blanket of dirt.

I still ache for my friends. Building friendships takes time and I have only begun the process. There are many women here who are embracing me and my family; that comforts me greatly. I look forward to our relationship growing as we learn more about each other and share our hearts.

I like Alamogordo; I believe it will be a place of many beautiful memories. I miss Virginia; I was comfortable and happy there. I long for Heaven; where there will be no more pain or tears. Heaven is my home. I don't think there will be an adjustment period in Heaven. It will feel like home from the very first millisecond of eternal life.

"This world is not my home, I'm just passing through..." -Albert Brumley

a forced-silent mother still going strong

2010-12-02T21:47:00.007-05:00

Its been a quiet ten days. My voice faded away Monday night in the midst of sinus ick. The Internet says the best thing for laryngitis is to "rest the vocal chords". First of all, I'm a mother and am requested to communicate at all times of the day and often at night. Secondly, I'm me and I like to talk. Thirdly, it was the Thanksgiving holiday and we had family from out of town at our house. I talked. A lot. (Ofcourse, you understand, when I say "talk" I mean scratched out words using this gravely excuse for a voice.) All my talking aggravated the sore vocal chords and they rebelled.

Lela said at prayer this morning, "Can we ask God to give Mommy her old voice back. I don't like this one." I am worried that I've forgotten how to talk correctly. Even now when I try, my voice comes out wrong. It's very strange.

Now, I present to you, the TOP FIVE things I've learned about my life minus my unmistakable and loud voice:

5) It is next to impossible to talk on the phone when your voice is gone. Eventually, I had to quit answering the phone and allow Jason to be my phone guy. He did great. "Yes, she's here, but, no, she can't talk on the phone right now."

4) I can mother with a soft voice. It can be done. Clapping gets children's heads to turn up and look at me as quickly, if not more, than hollering for them. My handicapped voice required me to be in very close proximity of the kiddo's ear when giving instruction. They listened.

3) Did you know whispering is actually harder on your voice then talking? Although Internet sources all agree, I just don't believe it. For me, trying to talk, well, there were times when absolutely nothing would come out!

2) Jason admits, he has enjoyed less yelling. Ouch. But I'm taking the constructive criticism to heart and, even though my voice is starting to make an appearance, I'm gonna try to not bring back the yelling.

1) I miss singing to my kids! While the bedtime routine has been drastically reduced, I would rather it take ten minutes to sings songs and say real prayers instead of settling for kisses and whispered and strained "I love you".

So that's it. I've enjoyed having a voice tonight. Online. A typed, clipped voice. Squeak-squeak.

Mom Heart Conference

2010-11-16T10:29:00.002-05:00

I love being a mom. I choose to stay at home and raise up my babies because I believe I am called to a motherhood ministry.

Recently, I stumbled upon another motherhood ministry by a woman named Sally Clarkson. She has written several books about motherhood ministry, keeps a beautiful blog, and leads women's conferences around the USA.

I am entering a contest to win free tickets to one of her conferences. I encourage all my readers [the precious, beautiful women and two amazing men who faithfully read my scattered writings] to check out Sally's website. Her motherhood vision is incredibly similar to mine. I am learning much from her book [s] and websites.

Here's to winning the drawing! **clink-clink** Can I make a toast with coffee? Is that OK?

the rain beats against the house

2010-11-14T14:38:00.004-05:00

"The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against the house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock." [Matthew 7:23]

Broken. I am broken. It's not a bad thing to be broken.

It's dark.

Mostly, I crawl right now. Sometimes I find I can stand and walk. But, I stumble. A lot. And I fall back down over and over.

It's dark. Are my eyes even open?

I want to shut the door on grief. Like crossing milk off the grocery list after I've thrown it into the shopping cart. Done. Over. Got the milk. Check. Grieved over miscarriage. Check.

The darn door won't stay shut. I hurt when the door is open, and I hurt when it is shut. The pain sits against my chest and pools inside my gut.

It's dark. Did someone turn the lights off? Where, oh where, is the Light?

It's OK to be broken and weak. I don't have to be OK. I am trying so hard to be fixed and not broken. God reminded me ever so gently today that His power is made perfect in my weakness. [2 Corinthians 12:9]

"even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you." Psalm 139:12

Lord, come shine on me.

He Lifted My Head Today

2010-10-31T15:42:00.004-04:00

I either believe that God is good or I do not. If God is good and He loves me, then He is trustworthy. The Bible says that "all things work together for the good of those who love him [God] and are called according to his purpose." Well, that's me. I love God and I'm called for His purpose.

Today I will praise the Lord. Job says in 1:21 "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." I've been angry with the Lord for taking away Vivian, my tiny rice baby. I questioned Him for even allowing me to become pregnant if He planned to just take the baby back.

I realized during church today that Vivian has a purpose. If I can align a purpose to my tiny lost baby, then I may find a measure of comfort. I also realized the Creator has the right to create a life destined to live only a few weeks. As time progresses, and my heart continues to heal, I see that God has a plan for Vivian's short life. One, this experience allows me to really understand other women who have gone through a miscarriage. I'm in the club now. I get it.

Vivian's creation was completely of the Lord. Is He not in charge of His creations? He knew when she was created that she would only ever live in the sweetness of her mother's womb.

I wanted this baby. I wanted her to grow in my womb and I wanted to hold her close to my heart. BUT! I want God's will MORE! Today I am able to surrender. I haven't been able to really lay it down. And, maybe I will pick it up again tomorrow. I don't know. I'm hoping this is a measure of healing that with be steadfast.

The Bible says God is the lifter of our heads. Today, He lifted my head. He gently took my chin and tipped my head up so I could see His face. He loves me. He is not out to get me. He is not planning evil things for my life.

"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord," says the mother with the broken heart.

still not OK

2010-10-30T21:28:00.005-04:00

**Disclaimer** I am using this blog to process the loss of my baby. Read at your own risk. ***

I've come unplugged. Someone unplugged me from the source and my battery is loosing power.

I feel like I'm sitting in a tub of water. Only the water is missing. And I'm alone, cold and wet but I can't move to do anything about it.

The icing on the cake is gone. I'm already rich with four kids. Two boys and two girls. Shouldn't that be enough? It comforts me, but I wanted the icing. I feel guilty for wanting more. Like a greedy child rubbing her hands together in anticipation of more toys. Only the toy broke and was swept away. I feel guilty for mourning the loss of a fifth child. I'm already rich with children. Shouldn't I be happy?

And then my grandfather passed away early Friday morning. My Papaw. My mother's father. I saw Papaw this past July. He's been sick with heart issues for fifteen years. I'm grieved. Especially for my mother missing her father and my Nanny missing her love. But also I celebrate Papaw's arrival in Heaven, his eternal home. He's walked with the Lord for decades and this is his reward.

Two deaths in two weeks. I just realized I'm walking "through the valley of the shadow of death". I question prayer. Why pray? Won't God do what he's gonna do anyway? Do we really sway the God of the Universe?

Death is a passing. An ending of this life and a beginning of another. For innocent children and people who give their lives to Jesus Christ, death brings a glorious new life. I believe this is true. But for those of us left here on earth, our hearts are heavy. Heaven seems so very far away.

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

sharpening attempts

2010-10-24T12:08:00.004-04:00

Only four days left of our three-week Wyoming visit. I don't even know how to sum up the visit. I had to make a list of all the good things that happened while we were here so I would remember them despite the hardships of the trip.

I scan through the pictures on the digital memory card and they divide themselves into categories. The kids' pictures slotted into "pre" and "post" puke day. Yick.

And I study the pictures of me. In the first few I am ignorant and blissfully happy. More pictures flip past the camera's small monitor and I see the other Jessica. Her smile seems frozen. Forced. She knows about the rice-size baby's death.

Even while my heart aches from the inevitable coming good-byes, I am looking forward to going home. I am hoping my home will bring me a sense of comfort. Yet it makes me sad to leave my parents and siblings. We live so very far away.

I feel so... I don't know... in a slump. S....L....U...M...P... Leaning, leaning over until I'm flat on the floor and the world's view is skewed. It looks back at me half-hazardously.

When my life becomes fuzzy, the Word of God clearly sharpens the image. And I am desperate for His truth.

"I am confident of this, I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living."

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

"You are my Lord, apart from you I have no good thing."

"When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who knows my way."

Psalm 27:13, Psalm 73:26, Psalm 16:2, Psalm 142:3

the other one

2010-10-21T11:45:00.004-04:00

Grieving the loss of Vivian, I am reminded of another baby missing from our family. I hadn't forgotten the first baby. But her loss was so different from this one.

When Rose was born, the midwives discovered a "mass" hidden within the placenta. A mass of baby. Which explained the very early movements we could feel through my skin at only 16 weeks pregnant with Rose [and, unbeknown to us, a twin]. By the time we had an ultrasound at 27 weeks, there was only one baby. So we were none the wiser until Rose was born and the other baby's remains were discovered in the placenta.

Rose had a "disappearing twin" [which is, actually, quite common as I learned through my postpartum research]. We discovered the loss of Rose's twin the day after Rose was born. Holding a newborn, fresh and beautiful in my arms, brought such extreme comfort that the loss of her twin... well, it hurt, but it was different. Learning about a baby the same day I learned of the loss combined with the arrival of a healthy baby made the loss easier to bear. We named Rose's twin, Rachel.

With the passing of Vivian, God gently reminded me of our Rachel. I asked a dear friend to make me a memorial image for little Vivian. As she worked on it for us, I realized I needed to recognize my other missing baby, too. It brings me comfort knowing there are two; they are together. Sweet girls in Heaven. Around the throne. Doing what they were created to do, worshiping the King of Kings.

miscarry this

2010-10-20T17:50:00.006-04:00

I don't like the word "miscarry". Or the phrase "I miscarried". It implies I did something. I did nothing. Miscarry sounds like a miss-step. Like I took a wrong turn somewhere. Or I dropped something.

"I had a miscarriage" is even worse. I have had nothing. That's the problem. The something has disappeared into nothing.

But I'm not moping around. I accept there is no baby coming to me this summer. I also acknowledge there are worse things then miscarrying [blasted word] at six/seven weeks pregnant. There are worse things.

For me, though, in my small world, the loss is great.

and then she was gone

2010-10-17T20:06:00.005-04:00

As swiftly as she entered our world, she has quickly exited it.

Though my home overflows with blessings, one will forever be missing. Baby Number Five will never be in my arms this side of Heaven as the Lord has seen fit to bring her to Him before I ever see her precious face.

Grief overwhelms me. I have never walked this path. I have watched others walk it, but have never known it.

How can I ache for someone I only knew for a few weeks? I see this tiny, beautiful baby in my head and she's perfect. We call her Vivian Joy. Vivian means "alive"; and that she was [and is, but in Heaven]. Joy, well, she really did bring us so much joy. I was so happy to have her inside of me.

Blood runs out of me; this horrid reminder that death occured inside my body. No life will push forth to applause and laughter. Just nothingness. She slipped away from us when I was unaware.

What do I do now? Ache. Cry. And I reach, REACH, out to the mighty hand of my God. He's arm is not too short for me. His grace is sufficient for me. He is the God of all comfort. Draw me close, O Lord. Close....

"Man is like a breath; his days are like a fleeting shadow." Psalm 144:4

Whoosh; There It Is!

2010-10-03T17:44:00.005-04:00

As most of you know via my Facebook announcement, Baby Number Five is already embedding his/her beautiful self in the sweetness of my womb. Ah. It's good to be full of life once again!

When I wrote my September 17th post, I did have suspicions that I might be pregnant. Let's just say the stage was set for a pregnancy, if you know what I mean. Wink-wink. It took another ten days before some urine on a stick would confirm my heart's desire.

While I celebrate my blessings in both my house full of children and the one burrowed deep within, I feel a stirring of unworthiness. Why me, Lord? It seems contritely unfair that I should sheepishly wish for a pregnancy and whoosh, there it is. Unfair because women long for babies for decades and no "whoosh, there it is" appears. Why? Why is my womb fertile and others not? I just don't understand.

Yet, I humbly embrace this precious load God, in his infinite and uncomprehending wisdom, has laid upon my shoulders. My calling to mother, now, five children. **Gasp.** I surrender to his will and bow my head in submission.

I am not amazing. I am not supermom. I am just Jessica, broken, unworthy, full of mistakes and given to the occasional fit. Yet, does the cup ask the potter why He formed it so? I take up my banner and walk with the Lord. There I find peace.

Oh, did I mention there's a baby in my tummy? Yipee!

It's A Heart Thing; Baby Number Five?

2010-09-17T10:42:00.004-04:00

I am ready for another baby.

OK, everyone calm down and take a deep breath. I'm not sharing this personal matter of the heart with you so you can judge and question and wonder about my sanity. I am sharing it with you because it is truly a miracle that I want another baby.

Reading through my pregnancy posts, I am reminded of the struggles of pregnancy and the hard lessons I learned through perseverance. After four pregnancies and four babies, I am well aware of the difficulties another pregnancy will bring to our family.

Oh, but I still want a baby. My feeling for another baby is as strong as if it were my first time around the merry-go-round. I see babies and I envy the mommies carrying them. I walk past baby clothes and I sigh in desire for a baby to fill out the pale pinks, blues and yellows. Women with their swollen pregnant bellies look beautiful and precious to me. See, I've got it bad!!

The desire for another baby stole upon me unexpectedly. This summer the urge begin to tickle my heart. I broached the subject with my impregnator, the handsome hubby, and he was quite shocked. "We" decided it would be a good idea to wait until after our cross county move.

Here we are in the new home, the dust is settling around us and my urge has turned into a full force hurricane. I want another baby! The strong desire surprises me. God has truly changed my heart. I look at my children and feel like there should be more. I know this does not mesh with our society's views on children, but that's OK. It meshes with God's view, and that is whose opinion counts.

So that's that. I am just warning you all. Baby Number Five is in my heart... Only God knows when he/she will be growing in my womb. Giggle-giggle.

Being Pushed by The List

2010-08-25T10:22:00.005-04:00

Have I told you that Samuel knows how to push my buttons? In the past thirty minutes, I walked in on him cutting his shirt with my sewing scissors [praise God he just cut the shirt and not his skin!!]; he yanked the bottom sewing drawer all the out so that the contents split everywhere; and he turned the dishwasher on. Pushing my buttons.

I am overwhelmed. Which, according to my journals [and this transparent blog of mine] appears to be a running theme in my life. I believe most, if not all, mothers have a "To Do List" comparable to mine. There are the usual chores of laundry, dishes, floors, toilets, diaper changing, spanking the naughties out, bathing the children, cooking meals, and sorting toys. On top of all this is unpacking boxes. Unpacking boxes is more than just taking items out of boxes. It involves sorting, organizing and finding places for everything. Continuing the lengthy list comes home school; a self-inflicted and totally convicted job of teaching my own children their reading, writing, and arithmetic.

My list is long. It is full and time consuming. My mother-in-law once told me, "Jessica, you can't let the list run you." Does your list run YOU? It runs me. That darn list is quite bossy and pushy. It even wakes me up at night.

Today, I tell The List to "hush up!" [I would say "shut up", but we don't say that at our house.] I'm tired of The List stressing me out. If I don't get to it, who cares? It'll get done. Or, as Jason says, "it'll still be there in the morning". [Which, frankly, I don't see how that's encouraging. But oh well!] I am not going to be run by my To Do List. I'm just gonna enjoy the day and thank the Lord for it. He is the maker of Today!! I will rejoice and be glad in it.

I'm off to chase Samuel!

"I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before Him; before Him I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is You who knows my way." Psalm 142:1-3

aching heart of a searching sparrow

2010-08-20T09:39:00.005-04:00

Tomorrow will be our one month anniversary of driving into Alamogordo, NM.

Moving is a transition of the heart. The mountains belong to me, but I have not made any forever friendships with kindred spirits. I am lonely. [Side note: God did move my sweet friend, Kim, out to NM over two years ago. I am blessed to have here only an hour away. That does help my lonely heart.]

In VA, I was rich in friendship. Rich. Friends abounded in my life. They were everywhere, and I basked in the comfort and love that emanated from my sweet friends. I miss the basking.

I love my house. I love the mountains that surround this God-made basin. I love my clothes line. I am enjoying decorating my new house. The house feels like mine more and more everyday. I am enjoying my children and the peace of the country. My husband and I are walking hand in hand in this journey and that feels oh, so good.

Yet my heart is sad. Loneliness resonants through it like the loud banging of a tribal drum. It aches inside my chest. I still feel out of place in this small town. I feel out of place in the local church we've been visiting. I miss the smiling face of Grace Church in VA. I miss being a part of a church that loves me and my family.

I know it takes time. One month down.. how many more to go before I feel "home"? I guess I get closer every day, right? Oh, I so hope so.

"Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young- a place near your altar." Psalm 84:3

"Better is one day in His house, then thousands elsewhere."

This Is Our House; Day Three

2010-08-05T21:40:00.001-04:00

It’s beginning to look like our house. Our faithful, versatile muslin curtains are hanging up at the double glass doors. This is the third house their company has accompanied us. I like them. Obviously.

Our new three bedroom, 1600 square foot home is perfect for us. With a view of the majestic, rugged Sacramento Mountains out my backdoor and five acres for the children to run around, there is no denying the country atmosphere enveloping us. It draws us in. The air is crisp and quiet. A train whistles past our house several times a day. Miles away, but the ground is so flat from here to the base of the mountains, that we can see the train.

Settling into our house takes work. Opening up our lives in the new town takes work. [And Alamogordo is definitely a town versus a city. A wonderful, small town boasting of modern businesses like Applebees and Holiday Inn plus historic wonders like “the oldest zoo in the southwest” and utility companies that required me to actual “come in” to set up our account. Small town] Today, Day Three of living on Southend Road, we barely miss cable and internet. Two convenience yet to be hooked up. The kids are too busy playing to care. Although LelaMae did sit down at the TV and, “click-click”, tried to turn it on. She sighed in disappointment before scampering off on another adventure.

As I unpacked the boxes in my new kitchen, I heared God gently whisper, “See; I told ya so. I told you it would be great.” My heart swelled up when I opened a box and found a Ziploc baggie full of refrigerator magnets, memory scriptures and pictures from the fridge on Invader Drive. I vividly remember packing and taping that box with tears in my eyes at the un-knowledge of the future. Here I am in the future. And I like it. The future [which is now the present] is perfect for me.

lifestyle change my life

2010-07-27T16:38:00.003-04:00

I haven't written much about food. But I sure do think about it. A lot. I think about whether it's good for me or not. I think about how much I am eating. I think about how much I am not eating. I think about how good it tastes. Mostly, I think about how much I hate the addiction.

Food is my drug of choice. Cigarettes don't do it for me; can't stand the smell. I prefer to ruin my pancreas with sugar versus my liver with alcohol. I've never even been offered marijuana or cocaine. But food? Ah, yes, it really does do things, chemically, to our bodies. To my body. It makes me feel good when I feel sad. It gives me something to do when I am bored. And, darn it, it tastes so delicious!

Two years ago, I blogged about my history with my weightloss struggles. I won't bother repeating myself; feel free to click HERE and read that post. I had just joined WW-again. I don't remember how long I attended before I quit. But, a year later, I re-joined WW again. That was last October, in 2009. From October to March, I lost thirty pounds. I have stalled at that thirty for the past three/four months. Better than gaining, but still it is not loosing.

Do diets work? Statistically, 95% of dieters gain their weight back. I posted this question on my Facebook account and everyone answered "it's a lifestyle change" blah, blah, blah. Yes, that's true. I guess, my question really was, what if I have some block for changing my lifestyle? Or, better yet HOW do I change my lifestyle? I know WHAT to change, but HOW do I get it from my head to my heart?

Do I love myself? I love my kids so I feed my kids healthy food. I make sure they don't spend all day sitting around, watching TV. I hide all the junk food and ration it out sparingly to the kids, usually allowing junk only a couple of times a week. For them. But, when they are sleeping, I eat the rest of the ice cream and snitch the candy bar hiden in my purse. What's wrong with me?

What am I missing? What are 95% of us missing??? Two-thirds of Americans are overweight. So, that means that 2/3rd of you reading my blog are overweight. While that makes me not feel lonely, I don't find that encouraging. How can we fix this mess? Lifestyle change? Or is it a heart change that we need? Both?

I press on. This I know: giving up won't get me anywhere but fatter. I re-joined WW in NM. I found a women's gym in Alamogordo; I am signing up after we move to our new house. I am seeking God for freedom. Well, access to freedom He has already given me. And, I am researching health, diets, etc. online.

I want to love myself enough to take care of me. I want to be in the 5% who succeed at the all elusive "lifestyle change".

aching for the familiar

2010-07-23T18:07:00.002-04:00

Home. It's a funny word. One I've been throwing around in my head recently.

We are in our temporary home right now. Called TLF, Temporary, Living Facilities. It is like a hotel suite. There is a kitchen with a bar for the kids to sit at. A separate bedroom for mommy/daddy privacy. A fold out couch and two TVs. And two sinks. One toilet. Our space is limited, but it's working out.

I miss- I don't even know what I miss. I don't miss Virginia, as in the state of Virginia. New Mexico's laid back approach suites my style much more. I love the mountains of NM. They have already captured my heart. I suspect the mountains of changing moods and I like it.

I miss the people I left behind in VA. Sue. Rachel. Jackie. Lindsey. There are too many wonderful women to list off here. My heart aches for your company.

It's more than missing friends. I miss the sweet comfort of familiarity. Familiarity takes time. Routines take time. Friendships take time. There is not much I can do to create familiarity. I yearn for it all. Day Two in housing offers a tiny bit of familiarity. The same stove. The same meal routine. I showered in the same shower two days in a row. Jason went to work today. That felt soothingly familiar.

It's the weekend. It feels like I've been living three weeks worth of weekends. Today, Jason worked and Monday he will work again. So, it really IS the weekend. New routines begin. I hunted down a Weight Watchers meeting that meets on Saturday. My heart is all a'flutter at the "normalcy" WW offers to me.

"When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who knows my way." Psalm 142:3 When I forget who I am; when I can't find myself, there is great peace that God still knows who is Jessica.

Texas and then "HOME", kind of sort of...

2010-07-17T23:21:00.004-04:00

Our five days in the Texas country side have whizzed past us already. We still have two more days in Texas, but we'll be in the big city of Fort Worth. I love Fort Worth. So alive!!

The country was wonderful. Being with in-laws was, miraculously refreshing. In-laws do not have to be difficult!! God can make a way so that in-laws are friends, not just extended family.

Tami, my mother-in-law, loved having us there. Jason's youngest brother, Joshua, is only a few years older than Isaiah, my six year old. Isaiah and his uncle Josh played hard. Every night we drained mud out of the tub after baths. Yick. Good, hard, dirty play. The girls are no exception. They were covered in dirt, too. And Samuel? Where did he go? Oh yeah, that little pile of dirt IS my Sam!

As time approaches for us to head to our new home in New Mexico, my heart grows excited. We have a house that we are in the process of buying. Praying God's grace to coat the whole process. It's a lot of work!! Especially while we are on the road, borrowing Internet from various towers and searching creatively for printers and faxes.

This roadtrip, compared to last year, is much more difficult. I believe it is because we are not just "on the road". We are moving. The roadtrip is just part of the move. It doesn't feel as much like a vacation this time. Still good. Still a blessing to see our loved ones. But my stress level is mucho higher.

Praying for grace. Praying for small moments of refreshing. Seeking the Lord. Trusting Him. He is good, this I know.

Illinois Days

2010-07-04T14:07:00.002-04:00

Things are good in Illinois. Day Two of our three day stay at my brother Israel's house is passing quickly. Yesterday, we talked, ate sushi, made a recording of us singing and Israel playing on guitar and watched the cousins bond. Ah, yes, the bonding cousins. The bonding cousins has blessed my heart richly.

The most obvious bond is between Emily and Rose. They are both four years old, just a few months age difference. They both like princesses and tea parties. Emily and Rose are a little sassy and it fits them both. They are acting like long time buddies. I love it.

This afternoon we head over to my grandparents' house. We'll visit with them for awhile before sharing dinner at kid-friendly McDonald's. We are also going to join them for evening service at the DeKalb church of Christ. Hoping the children do well. Even though we are skipping nap-time for the girls. Yesterday, it took me an hour to get them both asleep, and then they were both awake less then an hour later! Not sure if it's worth it. So, today, they are just watching a quiet time movie.

I miss my honey. Jason made it to Alamogordo last night. He called to tell me that I would like our new town. He said the sun was setting behind the mountains and that it was beautiful. And that I would definitely like it there. Today he is sweating it out, unloading our 26 foot Uhual into the large storage unit. Tomorrow, Jason plans to look at a property we've been eye-balling online since March. Then, in the afternoon, he and his dad will head back towards TX. Tuesday, they'll arrive in Ft. Worth. Wednesday, Lord willing, Jason will catch a bus to Wichita, KS and meet up with us.

It's a lot, I know. But, so far, the plan has worked. By the grace of God. Praying all continues to glorify God and peace continues to prevail.

Day One on the Road to NM

2010-07-01T22:12:00.002-04:00

The dog puked. Isaiah asked us to turn around when we realized we'd forgotten the DVDs [only we found them in the van later..] Rose wanted to go back to Aunt Rachel's house. Lela Mae peed her pants and then sobbed. Samuel screamed. A lot.

Ten hours on the road. Only about eight of them were driving. The other two were full of potty breaks and meal breaks. But, we made it. We are at our half-way point between VA and IL. Tomorrow should be tad shorter.

I drove out of VA for, probably, the last time today. Hollered a "good-bye old house" as we drove past Invader on the way out of town. Got choked up.

Roadtrips are fun. It is a bonding experience. I got to see Samuel laugh over and over again [which made up for all the crying]. Isaiah loves the new Leapster I splurged on. Rose laughed out loud at my jokes today. And I soothed my sweet Lela Mae by rubbing the only thing I could reach from the front seat- her calf.

It was a good day!

moving on

2010-06-28T13:23:00.002-04:00

It has begun.

The house is still being emptied. Jason works continually at it. I have run away to Rachel's house with the wonderful excuse of watching the kids. The old house now depresses me. So empty and dirty. It's not my house anymore.

The roadtrip has started. Even though we are not on the road. Rachel's house is our first stop. All six of us are in her bedroom with the gracious Rachel sleeping on her couch. The first night went well. For the kids. I felt restless. I wiggled and squirmed, wondering what today would bring.

Today hasn't brought anything too awful. Actually, it has been quite mellow. Wal-mart trip to get goodies for the roadtrip. Tying up loose ends here. Tomorrow morning is our final housing inspection. Then Wednesday we have our final outprocessing appointment, leaving Jason officially no longer assigned to Langley AFB. So exciting.

Jesus In My Kitchen

2010-06-18T08:06:00.004-04:00

We are coming down the wire over here, and things are still up in the air. Every day I think, maybe today we'll find out when we are leaving... Yet, evening comes and we still don't have anything solid.

What amazes me is my peace and calm. I really am OK with whatever works out. I have this intense desire to do God's will, above all else. And to not worry. Check out where God led me in His Word this week:

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?" I hear Christ saying this with a hint of sarcasm, but still in grace and love for us. Because, really, why DO we worry? Nothing comes of it. Nothing, but more worry and fear.

Reading through Luke 12:22-34 tells of how God cares for the sparrows and the lilies. He tells me to not even worry about what we will eat or drink. Which translates to my weary heart that I do not need to worry about the quickly approaching move or roadtrip. What a relief!!

I have found the most incredible praise and worship CD. The Holy Spirit in it soothes my soul. Check out Misty Edwards . Thanks to a sweet friend who donated her old ipod to the Jessica Foundation, I actually have an ipod to download Misty's music onto. And I have. And Jesus is now in my kitchen. Is He in your kitchen?

As I prepare to leave Invader Drive, my heart yearns to leave my friends in the hands of Jesus. There are a few who still do not know Him. Several that I have been praying for to come to know the Lord, to surrender their lives to Jesus. I have asked God to open doors for one final conversation. One more chance to really lay out God's plan. One more time to be His vessel, a light in the darkness. Use me, Lord!

Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed my ramblings. Have a great day!

unforced rhythms of grace

2010-06-09T09:28:00.006-04:00

"Are you tired? Worn out? ... Come to me. Get away with me and you will recover your life. I will show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." Matthew 11:28 [The Message Translation]

I can't tell you how soothing this verse is to me today. But, I'm gonna try.

"Are you tired? Worn out?... Come to me."
I am tired. Worn out? Yep, me again.

Christ, the King of Kings, beckons me to come to him. "Come to me, Jessica," he whispers to my heart. His presence brings such sweet peace. Indescribable peace. Literally. I cannot describe it here on this computer screen. But, I do pray it for YOU. That whoever is reading these letters, would FEEL and KNOW the peace of the Savior.

"Get away with me and you will recover your life."
I love how Jesus says "Get away with me". It reminds me of my husband and I going on our Lovers Getaways. I love going away with just Jason. It resonates within me to getaway with my Best Friend, the Giver of Life, Jesus Christ.

Recover my life. What is my life? As my previous post described, my life gets lost sometimes. Amidst the mumbo jumbo of babies, kids, housework, worries and fears, I do loose sight of my life. But, it's OK because when I get away with Christ, I will recover my life. Again, there's that indescribable peace.

"I will show you how to take a real rest."
I need rest. Even in bed at night, when the lights are off and my husband's breathing is deep beside me, I struggle to rest. God knows this. He sees Jessica under the covers; He hears her cries and tears. He longs to show me how to rest.

"Walk with me and work with me- watch how I do it."
I pray God walks with me today. I want to work with Him as I tend to my children and my household. As I march along, crossing things off the ever growing To Do List, I want to remember He is in this room. Maybe I could really just stand back and watch how He does it. I'm sure He has some ideas I haven't thought of, don't ya think?

"Learn the unforced rhythms of grace."
My goal is that this phrase would one day describe my home. Unforced rhythms of grace. I pray that grace would be abundant in my home and grace would BE the rhythm here.

"I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you."
I take too much on me. I think I have to take care of people God has not called me to care for. I also worry too much. God has this upcoming move to New Mexico all under control. He has not called me to worry. The move should not be heavy upon my shoulders. So, I lay the move at His feet and trust Him with it. He has just called me to move with Him. To walk with Him. To move in grace.

"Keep company with me and you will learn to live freely and lightly."
My daughters wore beautiful Easter dresses to church on Sunday. Sure, Easter is long past, but their pretty dresses are still hanging in the closet. They love their dresses. The first thing they did after I dressed them was twirl around and around, laughing and giggling. Freely and lightly. Keeping company with Christ is like dancing. Twirling around and dancing with someone who loves me and knows me more intimately than anyone else.

"Are you tired? Worn out? ... Come to me. Get away with me and you will recover your life. I will show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me- watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." Matthew 11:28

Mommy's Crazy Spinning Thoughts

2010-06-03T08:37:00.003-04:00

Do you ever just feel so lost and sinking that you worry you won't come back up for air?

Usually I am much too hurried to pause for a long, hot bath, but the other day demanded it. Or, I should say, my hairy legs demanded it. You know what I mean.

Sitting in that steaming hot water, I got lost in my thoughts. All of the day swarmed around me and I sunk into reminiscing.

As a mother, it feels like there is never enough of me to go around. Often I feel guilty for not doing this or for not doing that. I am a stay-at-home-Mom and I home-school my kids. How could they not get enough of me? Really.

Ever just want to start over? I feel that way looking at my body. I just want to start over. My kids have these beautiful healthy bodies and, I'm ashamed to say, I feel almost jealous of them. They are so healthy and strong and lean. Rose enjoyed playing drums on my belly and mushing it around. I suggested she play her own belly.

"But, Momma," she said, "my belly is not as squishy as yours!" It was quite the compliment, I guess. Thanks, Rose.

I feel so incredibly in limbo these days. With the summer's end up in the air- will we move? Will we not move? Will we move to Holloman? Will we not move to Holloman? Yadda-yadda!! It makes me want to spin around in crazy circles until I'm too dizzy to stand up straight. Round and round I go...

The bath brought all these crazy thoughts out. Scary, aren't they? I think I need some therapy. Or prayer. Or another hot bath. Something. Maybe I'll just clean my house. That'll do it.

Moms Club Breakfast Burritos

2010-05-28T12:31:00.005-04:00

Per your request, here is my recipe for Moms Club Breakfast Burritos. Try it out and let me know if it tastes right... Hopefully, I didn't miss a step.

1 pckge reduced fat turkey sausage
8 eggs
1 potato
1 c 2% sharp cheddar

your favorite salsa
jalapeños, chopped, fresh or jarred
12 flour tortillas
Aluminum foil, separated into pieces, large enough to wrap the tortilla

Cook the sausage completely. While sausage is cooking, microwave the potato until soft or "baked". Carefully cut baked potato until small, bite-size pieces. Add to fully cooked sausage. Add chili powder, garlic, and salt onto the potato before stirring it into the sausage. Set aside.
Scramble eggs and cook. Combine eggs with sausage/potato mix.
Now, you fill the burritos. Start with a tortilla on top of a piece of foil. Add a few spoonfuls of eggs/sausage/potato. Leave about an inch of the bottom of the tortilla empty so you can wrap it up later. Next, add about 2T cheese; 1T Salsa and 2-4 slices of jalapeños. Fold bottom of tortilla up, wrap up the sides, and hold the whole thing together by wrapping it up with the foil. Put in a baking dish. Continue filling and wrapping burritos until all 12 completed.
Heat oven to 350 degrees. Allow wrapped burritos to bake for 30-45 minutes. This melts the cheese and mixes all the yummy flavors.

Hope you can follow my directions and that your burritos taste wonderful! Love you guys!

I Just Don't FEEL It

2010-05-20T06:30:00.003-04:00

"Yeah, whatever, Jessica," she told me at dinner, "I still envy your life."

I stared at my single friend across the table from me. She looked sheepishly at me before restating her comment. "I hear all your complaints and stuff... But, I'd still trade places with you in a heartbeat. You have the life I've always wanted."

I do make it a point to try to not complain. But, I still fall prey to my own mouth sometimes and go off about the trials and struggles of motherhood [and wifehood, sometimes]. My sweet friend's comment jangled my thoughts. She is right. My life is enviable; I am a rich woman! But I do forget it sometimes. OK, often. I forget it often.

This past week, my brain has felt too full. Too full of thoughts, dreams, hopes, stories, history, beliefs, unbeliefs... Just too much in there. I walk around, doing what I am supposed to be doing, but feeling like I'm going through the motions.

Psalm 16:5 says "Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure."

I know this in my head, but do not feel it in my heart. Joyce Meyers says walking in the Spirit means not living by feelings. I cannot decide if she is right. Yet, I press on, ignoring my feelings. Trying to scrounge up some self-discipline and self-control.

Here is the Truth: Mothering four kids is definitely challenging, but it is what God has assigned for me. Which means, I can do it! There are days I feel like I'm falling apart and can't continue for one minute. But, the truth is, God has assigned me this portion. This very LARGE portion. And "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." [Phillippians 4:13].

So, today I press on. Even though I don't feel like it.

Garage Sale Diary

2010-05-13T06:55:00.007-04:00

5:00 am
Alarm goes off.

5:15 am
Out the door with glittery signs. Posted up and down the neighborhood. I am very proud of my signs. I am. They are something to be proud of. For sure.

5:45 am
Rachel arrives to help set up. She is an awesome sister, I must say. At the house, the kids are already awake and poor, bleary-eyed Jason is up, too. He is running on less than four hours of sleep after working until 2am. Kids are wide-eyed and bushy-tailed.

6:00 am
Hauling my junk out to the meridian, past our parking places. We set up tables previously borrowed from gracious neighbor. It takes a good 15 minutes just to haul everything outside.

6:30 am
Setting up. Trying to organize the ridiculous amount of clothes I have out. How did the pile get so BIG?! Seriously, I think the clothes reproduced while I was sleeping...

7:00 am
Ready to open! Whew-hew! I sit outside in my cushy camping chair and excitedly await the first customer.

7:15 am
Inside going pee when first customer arrives. She spends a whole two dollars. While checking out, her girlfriend calls. "Yeah, Conventry.. Yeah, I know- it's big! I'm coming, Girl!"

Yes, the huge housing community, Coventry, is having their neighborhood yard sale. How could she even talk about that here?? Just kidding. Wishing I lived in Coventry right now.

8:00 am
I don't know if I should talk to everyone or just sit and pretend like I don't see them. "Would you like a bag?" or "Those are 25 cents," would be helpful, right? Or would that drive everyone away?

8:50 am
Already dropping prices. Little couple pouring through the baby clothes. I told them about my $5 a bag deal and they were not interested. So far no one has been. I decide to slash my prices. Now the clothes are only two bucks a bag! The couple fill a bag.

9:00 am
The wind keeps blowing my signs over. Darn wind.
Rachel leaves with the girls. They are going with Auntie today.

9:15 am
Fourth person to walk away without buying anything! Am I doing something wrong? Plus, three out of four of my "Yard Sale" signs have fallen about the neighborhood. Jason takes the boys with him to fix my advertisements.

9:30 am
My sweet neighbor, Lacey, arrives with gorgeous prom dresses to sale. She sets up camp with me and we chat.

9:45 am
Another person stops, looks around quickly, and leaves even quicker. Sigh. What the heck are they looking for??

10:02 am
Wind now blowing over piles of clothes. I never realized Virginia was so windy. Fifth couple to walk away without buying anything. Sniff-sniff...

10:10 am
The chips we are selling to boost our sales are looking mighty tasty!

10:33 am
Nice lady just bought the $50 dress I paid only $20 for at Dressbarn. She paid only $10! Great deal since I never wore the gorgeous thing! She says her daughter will love it and I am happy for it. Hope it all works out.

11:04 am
Sold the bike and couch. Young airman couple excited about some furniture in their house. I remember those days!

12:30 pm
Tired and hungry. Jason takes $20 of hard earned cash and runs out to Sonic for lunch. So far we have made $100. Five hours and one hundred bucks. Not counting all the house last week I spent organizing, pricing, etc.

12:45 pm
Sonic time!! Yum!

1:00 pm
Still have A LOT out here! All the baby stuff is still here. No one is interested in the fish tanks.

1:15 pm
Isaiah just brought a kite outside from the house. Says he wants to fly a kite. I am hot and sweaty and a tad cranky. No kite flying today!

1:45 pm
We have had one customer in the past hour. Things have drastically slowed down. I'm thinking we're gonna wrap it up early.

2:00 pm
That's it! We're done! We pack it all up in boxes and Jason drives up on the meridian so we can load his truck. Jason loves to drive on meridians.

2:30 pm
Truck loaded. Tables folded. Jason is off to the Airman's Attic and Jessica is collapsed on a chair, fan on her face. The kids are running wild. Total earnings of about $150. Is it really all worth it??

So that was my garage sale excitement. Hope you found it entertaining! What are YOUR garage sale stories? Comment and share your favorite memory with me.

Ode to Mom; Top Ten Memories

2010-05-09T13:24:00.009-04:00

In honor of my mother on Mother's Day, I submit the top TEN memories of my mother.

10) My mom used to braid Rachel's and my hair on Saturday nights so that it would be crimpy for church on Sunday. I remember sitting and watching a Saturday night movie, Mom patiently braiding and braiding. I sure did LOVE my hair in the morning! I felt beautiful!

9) I remember Mom buying me my first bra. She brought it home and said, "I have a surprise for you! Now that you are a young woman... you'll need this." She whipped it out and I squealed in excitement at having my very own bra. I felt grown up indeed.

8) When Jason and I first fell in love, we sometimes would, um, kiss on the couch at my parents' house. Mom always made an obvious effort to make noise as she walked down the hall so we could hear her and knock it off. Hee hee. That was good, Mom.

7) Funny memory: I was home from college and Mom was trying to open something in the kitchen. Her knife slipped and she stabbed herself in the palm. Calmly, she said, "Uh, we have a situation..." She didn't want me to pass out so she didn't make a big deal of her wound. I don't know why that is funny... but it is!

6) In the sixth grade we moved from IL to TX. New school. Not many friends. I often cried about school and the rejection I felt from my peers. Mom loved on me and said, "Think of Jesus. He knows how you feel, Jessica. He was rejected, too." Even my Savior understood how I felt.

5) Growing up we had one vehicle. If Mom wanted the car, she drove Dad to and from work. One day when we picked Dad up, Mom watched him walk across the parking lot. She said, "Isn't he handsome?!" I knew she loved my daddy. She showed me how to love my man.

4) My first job was working at a grocery store in Rio Vista, Texas. I often came home after 10pm and found Mom in bed, reading the Bible or a Christian romance novel. Many nights, I sat down at the end of her bed and we talked about our days. I still feel special when I think about that season.

3) When Jason and I were courting, Mom gave me "the talk". She watched my cheeks flush and I insisted I was waiting until I was married to have sex. [Which we did, FYI!!] I said, "I haven't even kissed him yet, MOM!" And Mom sweetly replied, "Yes, but, Jessica, when a woman gives her heart, her body soon follows." This is so true! It proved to be much more difficult than I expected to wait until the wedding night.

2) I was blessed to have my mother attend Rose's birth. During the birth, my mother and Jason's mother sung hymns. A few were hymns I had requested, but many were songs God laid on their hearts. They sounded like angels. It fed my weary soul.

1)My mom attended Lela's birth. She was the photographer. And my cheerleader. Mom sat at the side of the birthing tub and cried. "You're doing great, Jessica," she said. I still remember her voice.

Mom, I love you. I love your emails and your phone calls. Wish we lived closer so we could visit each other more than once a year. You have been and continue to be a blessing to me. As a mother myself, I understand the struggles and victories of mothering. You did good, Mom.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

PS: Other things I love about my mom: sometimes she laughs so hard she can't breath. :) She loves to sing and sings beautifully- she taught me how to sing. :) Mom is a great encourager to this young momma; she always tells me what a good job I am doing. I need that so much! :)

Motherhood Follies: Locked Away

2010-04-29T06:47:00.000-04:00

"Everyone upstairs!" I called to the brood. Lela darted quickly off the back porch. Rose took her time and Isaiah rushed past me with a huge grin on his face.

I surveyed the damage caused by four little children unleashed on the back porch. It was a rainy day and I needed a break. So I had let them loose on the screened in back porch. The same back porch where Daddy stores his stuff.

My endlessly creative kids turned a small storage closet into an elevator. Isaiah carefully removed Jason's yard tools so that the small closet could be put to good use. Before I shewed them upstairs, I thought their elevator game was very fun and creative. Now, staring at the sharp yard tools across the porch floor, I sighed. Time to clean up.

Approaching the closet, I noticed a clothes hanger slipped through the door handles. My Isaiah had locked the doors shut. About that same time, I saw the doors move. I jerked the clothes hanger out of the little holes and ripped the doors open. Gasp! My one-year-old Samuel stood waiting patiently in the "elevator". He looked up at me, slightly amused at his own captivity. I hugged him ferociously. He wiggled against me, anxious to ran after the other kids.

As I headed upstairs, I decided to be a little mean and mess with Isaiah. Samuel was behind me, so I knew Isaiah did not know that I knew. I called up the stairs "I can't find Samuel anywhere! Has anyone seen Samuel? I don't know where he is!!" My voice sounded hysterical.

Isaiah met me in the hallway. He looked very guilty. "Mom," he said. "Mom, I know where Sam is. Come here, I'll show you."

"I know where he is, Isaiah! I found him in the closet," I confessed. Isaiah stared at me. I often shock him with my infinite knowledge.

After his much deserved discipline, Isaiah and I loved on each other. He apologized and I told him he needed to ask forgiveness for locking up my baby. He did. But then Isaiah turned to me with his eyes full of mischievousness. With a touch of glee, he said "Mom... How long was he in there?"

Better than Twilight Love

2010-04-23T08:37:00.006-04:00

I finally broke down and watched the cultural phenomenon Twilight. As a Christian, I wasn't sure where my beliefs fell when it came to vampires and werewolves. Eventually though, curiosity got the better of me and I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.

Honestly, I totally enjoyed the movie. I can see why teenage girls flock to the theaters to swoon over Edward Cullen and his little human girlfriend. The movie was intriguing and drawing in a mysterious way.

The Twilight movies have a magic about them. There is something that draws me in and holds me for days and weeks after viewing the film. Even now, when I returned Twilight to the library, I stared at Edward and Bella on the DVD cover. Why was I drawn to this little love story?

"I love you like that," God whispered to me. My heartbeat quickened.

"Lord?" I whispered back. "YOU? Love ME?"

Suddenly, my point of view shifted. Instead of Edward the Vampire, I saw the Almighty God, the Creator of the world. Instead of co-dependent Bella, I saw broken and hurting me. I saw The Greatest Love Story Ever Told. The most powerful supernatural Being, the God of Israel, offers his love to lowly humanity. This is great love!

The depth of passion and longing displayed in the Twilight Saga pales in comparison to the passion and longing God has for his people. God sent his Son to die for us! Christ loves us so much He gave His life for us. For me! For YOU! This is love. What passionate love! God has always lived and will continue to live forever. God protects us. God is our refuge and our deliverer. God knows my thoughts. God watches over me at night. God is way better than a blood-thirsty and confused vampire!

I am humbled by God's great love for little old me. I am love struck when I look at the great Being who cares so deeply for ME. God is a Being worth trusting. He is faithful and true. He will not let me down. He will never leave me.

I am so in love!

My Secret Mommy Hideaway

2010-04-09T07:02:00.003-04:00

There's a secret place in my house where I go when I need a break from the chaos of life with four small children. It's a small room, the size of a closet. I can turn the little fan on and drown out some of the sounds of life. Sometimes I sit and read. Sometimes I leave the light off and just sit in the floor. Sometimes I look in the mirror and hold a mock interview between a reporter and myself as we discuss adventures I've conquered. Sometimes I pray. Sometimes I sit in the floor and cry.

And sometimes I pee.

Yes, my secret place is the bathroom. Well, now you know.

You see, downstairs the only private areas are the laundry room and the bathroom. The laundry room door doesn't lock. The bathroom door does. Locked doors are important for secret, private places.

I don't know what I would do without my secret place. Er, my bathroom. Back when I only had one or two kids I let them come to the bathroom with me. Back then, it seemed easier that way. Now that there are four children banging on the door, I figure they certainly can entertain themselves while I am, um, busy.

I really love my bathroom. I think when we move to our new house this summer in New Mexico I am going to paint my bathroom a nice color and make it really cozy in there. Sigh. Sounds so nice.

Excuse me a minute. I need to go potty.

Screaming Imperfections Are Hurting My Ears

2010-04-01T13:06:00.006-04:00

Today, my little seven-month old Cocker Spaniel darted out the back yard gate. As I chased her around the playground, I grew angrier and angrier. I was mad that she was running away and not coming to me. Which made me mad that I have not been training her on a lead so that she would learn to not run away. Which then made me mad that I had not been making training my dog a priority. Because, you know, it's not like I'm taking care of four kids or anything.

I started working out at the YMCA this week after a long sedentary stretch of no work outs. At my first trainer-led work out, I was far from perfect. Three days later, my thighs are still sore. I'm reminded just how incredibly out of shape I am. I am frustrated with myself for not having kept up with my work outs in the past year.

Yesterday, five minutes after I tucked the girls into bed, I heard little pattering feet. I limped up the stairs [quite a feat with my painfully sore legs] and found three-year-old Lela on the toilet, pooping. I stood in the hall waiting for her to finish so I could do the joyous job of wiping her butt. Four-year-old Rose sneaked out of her room, right behind me. When she saw me in the hallway, she darted back to her room. Then Rose started whining about needing to go pee, even though she had just peed ten minutes previously! Oh, my blood was really boiling at that point. Suddenly, I wanted to toss Rose out the window. How could I, the perfect mommy, think such horrible thoughts about her precious child??

Striving for perfection is stressful and overwhelming. It is hard for me to admit that I cannot do it all. I easily slip into the mentality of trying to everything. And not just do everything, but, of course, do it perfectly. I took all this to the Lord and He slapped this verse in front of my imperfect face.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Oh. Right. I'm not supposed to be perfect. Because if I were perfect, I would not need a Savior. If I were perfect, I would not need the help of my God. God's power is made PERFECT in MY imperfections. What a relief! Disobedient dogs, sore muscles and mommy meltdowns are all wonderful opportunities for God to show His POWER through my weakness.

His grace really is sufficient, more than enough, for this tired, very imperfect, mommy of four small children.

My Busy Moms Bible Review

2010-03-24T09:07:00.000-04:00

Did I tell you I won a FREE Zondervan Busy Moms Bible? Oh yes, I did. Would you say I qualify as a busy mom? I think having four kids definitely gives me "busy mom" status.

The cool thing about this Bible is I have been praying for a new Bible. My tried and true Bible I have had since 1997. It has begun to really show some wear and tear. The past few years we have been looking for a new Bible for me but I've been continual put off by how expensive nice Bibles can be.

Enter the Zondervan Busy Moms Bible giveaway!! A dear friend [thank you, Kim!] emailed me about Zondervan giving away free Mom Bibles to the first 5000 people who entered their giveaway. Blessedly, I was somewhere in the 5,000. My beautiful Bible was sent to me within a week of popping onto the Zondervan website.

Now, I have a chance to win a year's worth of a personal assistant's service, compliments of Zondervan just by writing a review on my beautiful new Bible. YEA! Here's hoping I win!

My Review

My favorite thing about the Busy Moms Bible is how attractive it is. The dark pink and light pink leather binding is truly beautiful. Even though it contains both the Old Testament and the New Testament, it is still smaller than my older Bible. I like how compact it is.

I also love the back glossary of scriptures. I can turn to "peace" or "surrender" and find a list of scriptures encouraging me in those areas. I have already been very blessed by the use of those glossaries.

The Busy Mom Bible has Busy Mom Devotionals scattered throughout the Bible. Each devotional is divided into three sections. Section One is for the days when you only have a minute. Section two is if you have five more minutes which adds more scriptures to section one. Section three gives you more Scriptures/thoughts if you have -gasp!- fifteen whole minutes for a devotional.

I like the concept of their devotionals. Sometimes we really do only have one minute in our day. Although, I think most of us, if we were really and truly honest, could manage at least fifteen. [For example, if I exchanged my TV time or my Internet time for a devotional. That would give me some REAL time with God.]

The one thing I don't like about the Busy Moms Bible is the devotionals that are scattered throughout the Bible are made of hard paper. So when I flip through the Bible, searching for a verse, the Bible inadvertently flips and lands on each devotional. As a busy mom with just a smidgen of time, I would find the Bible easier to use if each devotional page was the same kind of paper as the rest of the pages. The devotional pages are all different colors and I think that alone makes each devotional stand out.

That's my review. It's a good Bible. I recommend it. I love mine and consider myself blessed to have a new, beautiful Bible!!

there's a change a'brewing!!

2010-03-19T13:52:00.005-04:00

As predicted, the winds of change are blowing around us.

Jason received news that he has been reassigned to a permanent change of station. That means we're moving! Our new home is Holloman AFB in New Mexico.

Moving elicits such a complex storm of emotions inside of me. Let me see if I can list them here.

Anxiety. This is a biggie. What does the future hold? Where will we live? How will we get to New Mexico from Virginia?

Happiness. Yea! Something new! A house in the country this time, please. No more neighbors pounding up the stairs right outside my wall. I am looking forward to mountains outside my window. I'm happy to be moving only 11 hours from Jason's folk and just 17 hours away from mine.

Deep sadness. Yes, right there beside the happiness is an ache in my heart. So many good-byes! We are rich with friends here in Virginia. Beautiful, precious friendships. Must I say good-bye? Can't they all come with us? Oh, my heart hurts.

Fear. Will I get everything done? Will I forget something? How will I get everything done with four kids undertow?

My swirling emotions make me turn and run. I bump abruptly into the Father because he is right beside me. He whispers, "Be still, and know that I am God." [Psalm 46:10]

I lay my head in his lap and he sweetly reminds me, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." [Matthew 6:34]

Deep breath of relief. I am not in control. God is. I do not have to figure everything out because HE already has it all under control. I am just going to ride this out with Him at the helm. It's so much better that way.

today it is icky

2010-03-10T09:22:00.005-05:00

"God is our refuge and our strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

As Jason stepped into the shower Saturday night, I heard it. The unmistakable sound of a child vomiting. It was Rose. She thew up every 15 minutes for four hours and then succumbed to diarrhea the rest of the night.

Jason and I prayed over the house. We prayed over the kids. We quoted Psalm 103:3 "He heals ALL our diseases" over and over again. Jason and I have plans for a Getaway this weekend... Only God knows if that will really happen. But, we "claimed" it and prayed it in, asking God, trusting Him to heal Rose and keep the rest of us from getting sick.

Isaiah started vomiting at 2pm Monday afternoon. He, too, threw up every 15 minutes for several hours. Jason and I were actually surprised that he was sick. We really believed God was going to "heal our diseases" and keep us all from getting sick. He didn't. Isaiah was sick.

Samuel started throwing up Tuesday night. He is still throwing up, eight hours later. I hate it. I hate seeing my babies sick.

Lela has yet to throw up, but she is complaining of a stomach ache. Me too. My stomach hurts, too.

Why does God's Word say he "heals all our diseases", but we all get sick? I just don't get it. I'm frustrated to have my babies sick. I'm frustrated that my love and I might not get to go away on this much-anticipated Getaway. And I'm frustrated, honestly, with God.

Here's my answer. Here is where I'm come to rest: I believe in God. I believe His Word. Do I understand it? Nope. But I trust Him. When Isaiah started throwing up, I had to just lay it all down. No amount of "declaring" was changing the fact that my kids were sick. So, I surrendered to His Will. I trust Him that "all things work together for good for those who are in Christ Jesus and called according to His purpose" [Romans 8:28]. His will be done in my family. If we all get sick and life is awful for a week... so be it. I trust my God. What else can I do?

Side Note: What's weird is, I know in the grand scheme of things, vomiting children is more of a nuisance than a tragedy. But, today, watching my one-year-old throw up, exhausted and weary... today spraying everything down with Lysol only to watch it all be in vain as everyone gets sick anyway... TODAY it feels tragic. But, my logical side says it's not. Give me a week. I'll feel more like myself.

When Is Baby Number Five Coming?

2010-03-04T21:11:00.005-05:00

People always ask Jason and me if we are going to have another baby. Many people ask us how many kids we'll top out at. Good questions, I suppose.

Here's some thoughts. I know we have four kids, but I don't really think of our family as "big". We booked a "camping" [and I use the term loosely] trip at a KOA campground and our family was too big for the "up to 4 people" one-room cabins. We had to book the "up to six" two-room cabins. I think it's funny that we're too big for the more traditional cabins. I just don't see our family as "big".

I do find myself itching for Baby Number Five. Yikes, I know! But, when I see a baby... ah, I don't know what it is, but I want another one. I was just watching this adorable youtube video of twin four month old boys laughing at each other. Oh, my heart filled with that ridiculous desire for another baby.

And then I have a hard day. A day where the laundry monster runs me over and the dishes climb out of the sink. A day when I hide in the bathroom and cry while the kids chase each other in circles around the house. A day when Jason and I spend our "mommy/daddy time" yelling at the kids to "be quiet". On THOSE days, the thought of another baby is far, far away. Most of the time, those days stir in me the possibility of admitting that, perhaps, four is enough.

For now, my days are quite full. My sixteen month old is small for his age and he still nurses; so, in some ways, I still have a baby. [It has been nice to not be pregnant or nursing a newborn while caring for a one year old; this is a first for me.] Plus, we definitely do not want to get preggers right now because we already have two babies' birthdays in the Fall [Rose and Samuel] and we'd rather shoot for a Winter/Spring baby.

The plan right now is to possibly try for Baby Number Five in April/May 2011. That is a year from this coming April. Then, we're figuring we'll have a baby in January/February 2012. My big kids will be 7, 6, 5 and three. Can you imagine??

What's that? Did you hear that? I think God's laughing at me.... hee-hee. I'm gonna rest on God knowing the future. Whatever it is; it's gonna be GOOD.

Kids [and Mommies] Say the Silliest Things

2010-02-26T14:21:00.004-05:00

"Aw, Man!" This is one-year-old Samuel's newest word[s]. Oh yes, quite adorable. He uses it correctly. Like when Iron Man Figure isn't working quite right, I hear Samuel's tiny voice "Aw-an!" He does lose the /m/ a little, but not bad. It is obviously "Aw, Man!"

"Don't hide under the table during Children's Church," I told Isaiah last Sunday.

The Children's Church teacher chuckled and said, "Oh, the things we say to our children." She's right. When I repeat back to my mind what I've said to my kiddos... it does make me stop and think. Then there are times I stop and really think about what they are saying... and that makes me laugh out loud!

"Did you put this" I hold up my mascara to black-lipped Lela Mae, "on your lips?"

"Sam's in the toilet!" Rose calls from upstairs.

"Did you take your pants off?" Sam's standing half-naked in his crib. Again. When I ask him this, he begins to look around for the missing pants.

"The girl's name on the show is Sonny. Momma, isn't that a nice name?" Isaiah asks me.

"Who smeared A&D ointment all over the TV?!!" I must confess... I yelled that one.

"When are you and daddy gonna leave?" Rose asks, hopefully. She's ready for Aunt Rachel to come play.

And, how can I forget. "I'm starving!" Not fifteen minutes after he eats a full meal, Isaiah, apparently, is "starving".

That's it folks! Thanks for staying tuned!

Wait, a tiny update on my premature no-more-pull-ups-celebration from last week. Uh-hem. My dear Isaiah is going to try again for no pull-ups when he's six years old [this July]. He is trying so hard and still is unable to wake himself up. His body is just not ready. Which, I've read, is completely normal. We're both tired of wet sheets. Pull-ups are on the grocery/toiletries list.

Welcome Me Back

2010-02-18T21:00:00.006-05:00

Won't you please join me in welcoming ME back to cyber space.

Yes, yes, we are back online. And, oh, it feels so glorious.

As you may have noticed, I have given my blog a bit of a face lift. I am a bit rusty on all the html codes, but it's coming back to me.

Things are well at the Keys Household. My children are growing and living life to the fullest. Most days/moments are amazing. Some moments/days are trying. All days are intense.

Would you believe I only have ONE in diapers? My big guys are wearing undies to bed. It totally rocks to only have one little bottom in disposables. Since I have had the season of FOUR bottoms [counting pull up wearing at night] in disposables, this truly seems amazing. And, a side note, the upstairs trash can smells a mite better.

Even with my computer and Internet access, I do not know how much time I will have to contribute to my blog writings. I am setting a goal of once a week. We will see how life goes.

I miss you all, my dear friends and family. Looking forward to staying in touch once again via my blog.

"The builder of a house has greater honor than the house itself. But Christ is faithful as a son over God's house. And we are his house, if we hold onto our courage and the hope of which we boast." Hebrews 3:3b,6

Update From the Trenches

2009-12-12T16:03:00.003-05:00

Have you missed me? I've missed you.

I'm afraid our computer D.I.E.D. three days past my birthday. Sad. I thought about draping a white cloth over it, but decided that might just be too much. Even too dramatic for me. We're working on restoring our computer. The good news is all my files are still alive and well. That's a true miracle since I'm pretty sure a mean old virus attacked our innocent computer. But, God protected our goodies, so we're OK. It'll just take a while to get everything sorted out and back online.

In the meantime, here's a very brief update on us. I'm still 30. Hee hee. Christmas is less than two weeks away and I have bought a total of one present per child. They won't be getting much more than that, but that's not what Christmas is really about anyway.

Jason has applied for a full time position with the Texas Air National Guard. We are hoping and praying this is God's will for us and that we return to the Mother Land soon. [All you true blue Texans know what I mean!] It would be so sweet to live near so many family members. The only downside would be leaving our beautiful church and also my amazing sister. Rachel would stay here until she finishes out her one year contract with the school. Anyways... Please pray God's perfect will.

Motherhood is... continually a roller coaster ride. One moment I am filled with love and joy for the little blessings and then the next moment I'm overwhelmed with their demands and cries. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, but sometimes I feel so alone out here in the motherhood trenches.

Here is my scripture for today:
He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. ~ Psalm 40:2, NLT

I want to stand on solid ground! NO matter what comes my way.

So that's the update. Love you guys!

remembering the birthdays past as I press onto my 30s

2009-10-22T07:49:00.008-04:00

This is my last day "in my twenties". Tomorrow I cross over to the thirties. Today I glance over my shoulder, reliving the past ten years [20-29].

I burst out of my teenage years and into the bright and sunny twenties while attending York College. My sister Rachel flew into York, NE to celebrate the big 2-0.

When I turned the legal-drinking-age of 21, we snuck away to Hutchinson, KS so I could use my new purchasing and legal drinking powers. Wink-wink. We're the "good girls" so the damage was pretty minimal.

I don't remember turning 22... But, my 23rd birthday will never be forgotten!! That year, we really celebrated. My dear college friend, Autumn, and my dear friend/sister, Rachel, and I flew down to Ft. Lauderdale, FL for three days of sunbathing and ocean floating. Ah, bliss. We split fancy appetizers at the local restaurant; got sea-sick from floating in the waves for hours at a time; shewed away the tiny fish from the hot pink bows on our swim suits; and lit birthday candles on the beach in the dark. Beautiful, precious memories. Thank, girls! [Oh, and Happy Birthday to my Autumn Brooke!]

My 24th birthday was the first one to celebrate with my amazing and handsome husband. We thought I was pregnant, but the pregnancy test was negative. However, we conceived our firstborn two weeks later, discovering the pregnancy on Thanksgiving Day 2003 [seven months after our wedding].

Isaiah was about three months old when I turned 25 years old. My sweet Duckie friends traveled from NE to TX to celebrate with me. I dyed my hair blond.

I blew out 26 candles while sporting a huge, nine-month-pregnant belly with little Rose inside my womb. Rose was born three days later on October 26th. What a precious birthday gift from the Lord.

By my 27th birthday, I was pregnant again. My Lela Mae was busy growing and making herself known inside of me. We celebrated Rose turning one year old. I do not remember how we celebrated my birthday. Probably my favorite way, with a date!

I felt great when I turned 28! I had lost about twenty pounds of pregnancy weight, I wasn't pregnant and I just felt like ME! The actual birthday day, Jason was working. So, Rachel [who had moved in a few months earlier] and my sweet friend Lindsey helped me celebrate around our tiny dining room table. A week later Jason whisked me off for an overnight birthday gift. We also bought a guitar for me. [Sadly, I don't use that $350 guitar anymore... but, it sure is pretty.] And, I dyed my hair red. It was a great birthday!

Twenty-ninth birthday was eerily similar to my 26th. I was hugely pregnant again, this time with Samuel James. We celebrated my birthday with a sweet dinner to my favorite Italian restaurant and a movie. My belly ached and I contracted the whole birthday date, hoping so much to go into labor. Five days later, Samuel James was born. Another birthday gift from the Lord.

One year later, we prepare for three birthdays. Rose is turning four, Samuel will turn one, and I will be 30 years old. I am not pregnant. [hee-hee] We are planning a BIG Birthday Party on Sunday for all three of us.

It has been a good decade. So many intense blessings. I thank God for the gifts of my 20s and for the things he has taught me. Tomorrow, I step into the unknown world of 30s. I am encouraged by the beautiful women around me who are in their 30s.

Good-bye 20s; hello 30s!

this and that and a but

2009-10-21T21:58:00.005-04:00

There's a change abrewing. Can you feel it in the air? Just as Autumn's crips winds blow across the land and color the leaves, our lives are turning. We may not be long for Virginia.... But, I'll keep you posted.

Jason is working the "swing shift". I am alone in the evenings. Perhaps I'll have more time to write. I hope so. I miss it. Life overflows and pushes out my hobbies.

Although, I did get a beautiful doggie. She's gorgeous. One [of many] birthday presents for my big 3-0 birthday was a little cocker spaniel puppy. We named her Wendy. I love her. I know, I know I have enough to do with four small children. BUT, I wanted a dog. Go figure.

OH yes, speaking of "BUT"... Try to explain to a four-year-old why it's OK to say "but" but not "butt". We don't say "butt" in our house, but we do say "but". Rose totally does not get it. I'll be talking and innocently insert the word "but" and she'll squeal "you said BUTT!" We went around and around about but vs butt to no avail. Oh well.

FYI

un-noticed treasures

2009-10-07T13:59:00.004-04:00

Do you ever feel un-noticed? Oh, sure, they know we're there, but sometimes I feel like all the many things I do for my kids go un-noticed.

Today I take heart. Today, God hit me with His Word. Check it out:

"Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.....But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." -Matthew 6:1,3,4

Now, I know Jesus is not talking about mothering [specifically], but more doing good things for the "needy". But, I think this scripture really can apply to motherhood. After all, aren't our children needy? I know they sure do NEED me. "Momma, I'm hungry!" "I'm thirsty!" "I need to go potty!" "WAH!!" OH yes, quite needy.

Sometimes, doesn't it feel like your right hand doesn't know what your left hand is doing? Passing the juicy cup while you're diapering the squirmy baby can be quite confusing.

It is OK that the kids don't always notice because God notices. God sees what is done "in secret", in the privacy of my busy home. He sees the loading and the unloading of the dishwasher. He sees me scrubbing the toilet bowl and wiping pee of the floor several times a day. God sees me washing all those loads and loads of laundry. It may go un-noticed here on earth, but not in Heaven.

Jesus also says, "Store up for yourselves treasures in heaven." [Matt. 6:20] Motherhood offers me many opportunities to store up treasures in heaven. There, my work will pay off. My work of serving and teaching my children. What treasures my children will be in Heaven!

Fellow Mommies, know that we are noticed! God sees us. Keep up the good work. Teach and admonish and train your children. You are storing up treasures in Heaven!

why mommies go crazy

2009-09-08T08:07:00.005-04:00

What a day; and it is only 8:00am. Here's a recap.

6:00am I am startled awake by Isaiah standing directly in front of my face, beside my bed. The room is illuminated by the light streaming in past the wide open door. He says, "Mommy, the girls are awake!" I give him permission to take the gate down to the girls' room so they can all three go downstairs. I hear the gate pop out of the door frame, the girls giggle, and I listen to all three head downstairs. I doze back asleep, keeping one ear open for any loud sounds of disgruntled kids from downstairs.

6:20am I hear Sam through the baby monitor. He is cooing and talking to himself. Getting up, I note the time. I feel like I've slept in; it's gonna be a good day!

6:25am Samuel and I head downstairs.

6:26am I see a tall-tale sign of pee on the couch. I know it's pee by the shape. It is pee that has leaked out of a very full overnight pull-up. It means Rose sat on the couch in her full pull-up and chose to pee in it instead of peeing in the toilet. It makes me mad and I get onto the non-concerned Rose. She shrugs and heads to the bathroom to take care of her overflowing pull-up.

6:30am "Where's Lela?" "She's in the bathroom." I decide to check on her. There's poop on the front of the potty chair. Mmm... weird. "Why is poop on the front, Lela?" She shrugs. The poopy mystery is quickly solved when I find Lela's discarded pull-up. "You pooped in your pull-up???" Lela hasn't pooped in her pull-up in nine months. My world is quickly spinning, looping around into some crazy mommy universe, pulling me by my ankles into the quicksand. I go off on a poop lecture, talking very seriously and loudly about poop and pull-ups and toilets and, for good measure to Rose's listening ears, pee and couches. Sam cries at the door, mad that he is not allowed in the bathroom for the poo-poo party.

6:45am Both girls dressed in clean clothes. Poopy and pee-pee pull-ups taken out in the bathroom trash.

7:00am "Mom, why is there water in the dining room?" "WHAT?!" Yep, there is standing water beside the outer wall of the dining room. The rain from the night has leaked into my house. I send Isaiah upstairs for towels. "Rough morning?" My sister, Rachel, asks me. She is beautifully dressed and ready for her first day of school as a teacher. "You have no idea," I tell her, trying to not bite her head off.

7:15am My hands are full of trash when I discover the kitchen trash is full! I see evidence that the other adults in the house also knew the trash was full. Rachel's milkshake Styrofoam cup is practically falling out of the top of the can and Jason's empty juice bottles are actually sitting beside the full kitchen trash can. Sitting beside it!! This is it for me. I loose it. "Am I the only adult in the house who takes the trash out??!! Why should anyone else do it? They know I will!!" and the martyr syndrome prevails.

I hate loosing it. I do not want to be moved by my circumstance. Motherhood offers me so many opportunities to grow and learn. Sometimes I pass; sometimes I fail; and sometimes it ends up only be a pretest for later.

I am hoping the day improves. I haven't even started on the To-Do List like sweeping and mopping the whole downstairs floors. Sigh.

"Even youths grow tired and weary and young men [or women] stumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint." -Isaiah 40:29-31

jess, the writer, not just the mom

2009-09-03T04:24:00.004-04:00

There is something about a quiet house. First of all, it is rare. For us. I suppose those of you without tiny ones, a quiet house might be taken for granted. But not here, at the Keys House. Jason left for work in the wee hours of the morning today [3:45am] and I decided the house was much too quiet to ignore. I know, I know, I ought to be sleeping. Another precious and rare commodity around here. But, I am too drawn to this odd revelry of silence. Ahh...

I have not been blogging much lately. At first, I wasn't blogging frequently because blogging has been bumped lower and lower on my priority list. But now, it is because I have been going elsewhere to find fulfillment as a writer. That's right, I am a writer, not just a mom. As a writer, I love to write. [Duh! -Oh, did I just write that?] I have loved writing since I was eight years old when I wrote my first short story. [It was about a rat named Bartholomew - remember that, Daddy?]

Now, here I am, a mother of four kids under five, and I still have this huge craving to write. Blogging, emails, poetry, etc feed my craving to write; but, lately, I have also been snitching time here and there to write [are you ready for this?] a novel. Yes, yes, a novel. Ah, just saying/writing it feels wondrous. To take some of the intimidating edge off such a huge project, I am sharing the authorship with my sister and mother. All three of us are writing this novel. It is awesome. The novel is taking shape. We hammered out a great outline and character descriptions. [Essentials to a good novel, according to all the writing books I have read.] About one-fourth of the chapters are written; we are well on our way to creating something special.

Back to the quiet house. The rarely and wondrously, quiet house. It is my favorite time to write. Once everyone is up, I can stillwrite; but it is harder. Aside from their "Mommy, I want..." and me getting up from my writing to get the juice, cereal, water, fresh undies, etc, I also have to ignore the loud playing, the PBS cartoons, the occasional breakout fights, the crying baby, etc. Just thinking clearly can be a challenge, must more to think creatively!

That's what I've been up to. I will try to not completely abandon you all in the blog-sphere. I know many of you out there miss me [and I, YOU] and that this blog is a very real link between us. So, I am here. When you miss my daily posts, please use the moment to pray for us and my special project.

To God be the glory, today!!

"The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you are spirit and they are life." -John 6:63

[Cool verse, huh? A good reminder as I set out on my day. I wanna walk in the Spirit!!]

well spring of life in the midst of homeschooling doubts

2009-08-27T14:19:00.003-04:00

Three weeks ago, I started the all-amazing act of homeschooling my children. Have we done school every day of the work week? Um... no. Not at all. Officially, we "did school" about four times. Twice with just me and Isaiah; and twice with the whole crew [minus the sleeping Samuel]. [On an "un-schooling" note: we unofficially did school when we read books about trees, planets, trains, people, places and things. And the Bible. Just saying.]

Up until today, I considered myself a failure at homeschool. Which is really sad since I have a kindergartner and preschooler and have only been at it for under a month. I had no clue homeschool would require so much time and effort. Being, well, you know, ME, I thought I would just breeze through it all. I'm organized! I'm creative! I like to teach! It was going to be so easy.

It is SO NOT EASY! Well, the lessons are easy. After all, it is kindergarten. But, for me, the hardest part is coming to grips with the loss of my free time. I treasure my free time. I have worked hard to carve out the remnant of free time. Often my "free time" consists of my ignoring the children so I can blog, write, read or something non-mommy-like. That valued time will have to be filled with planning and then with teaching if I am to successfully homeschool my kids.

I am doing research now. My original curriculum I purchased, I do not like. At all. It is not organized enough for me and I feel like I'm floundering about with it. I should have done more research about homeschooling in general.

My little guys are so smart, I want to do them justice. I don't want any of those smarts and learning excitement to go to waste. My kids attending public school so they can become little solder/worker bees is not my heart's wish. I want my kids home, with me. I want to be the biggest influence in their lives; not another person with different morals and standards.

And so, I choose to homeschool. Today, I recommit to homeschool. I am aware of the struggle and the dedication it will take from me and I am deciding to take my stand and JUST DO IT!

Now, before the far too familiar feeling of being overwhelmed consumes me, I am gonna take a big, long, thirst-quenching drink of Christ's Truth. Mmm... Now, that's refreshing.

“Whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” [John 1:14]

demainding motherhood

2009-08-26T07:57:00.003-04:00

Is it OK that I feel like I just can't do this? Is that OK?

And then, the phone rang. And I was awakened from this sinking pit of "I can't do this!"

What is it about motherhood that brings me to my knees? Why is parenting so dad gum hard? I love my kids; I think they're amazing. I look at them and I wonder how in the world am I going to do them justice?

There are so many demands. And I mean D.E.M.A.N.D.S. Children demand attention. They demand [sometimes politely] food and drinks and bath time and playtime.

"More milk please," she says. And I'm off. Off to fill the many demands of my many children. Intense blessings for sure.

a Mommy Retreat

2009-08-16T14:59:00.003-04:00

Update:

I'm much better, thank you. At least, for the moment. There is this underlying thing... I can't really describe it. Just this thing beneath it all, nagging at me, pulling me under.

So, here's my plan. Continue to pray, read the word and give myself grace. While I do all that, I have got a self-prescribed Mommy Retreat in the works.

What's a Mommy Retreat? [I know, I know, just the sound of it is glorious! Can you hear the swell of music?? Ah...] A Mommy Retreat includes checking into a hotel. Alone. Bringing my Bible, my journal, a pen, etc. Taking a long bubble bath. Sipping hot tea and staring out the window. Taking a walk in the evening air. You get the picture; basically, whatever Mom wants to do. Imagine that!

Right now, the plan is for me to redeem a free message I earned last Spring on Thursday. Then, make way to a nice [but not expensive] hotel. After a few hours of prayer, bubble bathing, and reading, a few good friends of mine are going to come over to pray with me. We're going to ask God for direction as to the root of whatever is causing my heartache and pain. We're trusting the Lord to come and heal me and make me whole.

After that... Sleep. Since my darling Samuel is sill nursing, Jason will bring him to me. So, I'll still be a mommy through the night. Jason might spend the night, too. I figure I'll be needing some loving. [I mean hugs, you guys! Geez! Get your mind out of the gutter! Wink-wink.]

Friday plans are still very much up in the air. But, the Mommy Retreat should continue through the day and possibly that night. We'll see. Depends on Jason's works schedule, our finances and how relaxed I'm getting.

Just the thought of the retreat brings me peace and hope. I am fighting feelings of guilt for leaving the kids... But, I know they will be better off with a whole and relaxed mommy.

Thanks to you all for your prayers and encouragement. Hope you are having a blessed Lord's day.

pass the life preserver, please

2009-08-14T13:32:00.004-04:00

Today is hard. My head is hurting. I am swirling around in the midst of life, holding for dear life to my promises of Truth. While I'm not drowning, I am choking on the water.

I feel like as soon as I stand and smile, something awful happens that tips me over. Or, maybe not even awful, but just hard. And suddenly, I'm laying on my face, crying and feeling oh, so overwhelmed.

I just want to feel better. What does it take? A mommy break? A chocolate cake? A date? A Bible Study? Prayer? A drink? A good cry? Telling a friend? The trouble is, I've done all that!! Still feeling sad. Underneath it all.

But I'm still smiling on the outside. Yea. Because I'm being "joyful always", darn it. So. Yea. Unless you read this post, you won't know anythings wrong. Because I've got it all figure out, can't you tell? Yep, that's me. All my ducks in a nice row. My children well dressed and smiling. My husband is happy.

So what the heck is wrong with me.

Oh, well, now I'm being melodramatic. Just ignore me, please. I'm being silly. Nothing to see here.

i am not a bumpaholic; i'm a mother

2009-08-12T09:48:00.004-04:00

Are you kidding me????

I stumbled upon this ridiculous article about "Bumpoholics". Yes. Apparently, that's a word. These pompous psychologist are claiming that women "get addicted to having babies". I felt sick to my stomach while reading through the article and the follow-up discussion from other readers. It is a huge example of how society does not see children the way our God, the creator of life, sees children.

Children are not a burden. They do not ruin our lives; they enrich our lives. They make us break out of our selfish selves and consider others first.

Despite my four pregnancies, I am certainly NOT addicted to having babies. The very thought makes me laugh! I do not enjoy pregnancy. It hurts! It's uncomfortable. I feel like a crazy woman with all the emotions. Not to mention the incredible enjoyment of labor pains and childbirth! There are several reasons why I've had four kids [and will probably have more]. None of them being because pregnancy is just so much FUN.

Hey faithful readers, check out that article and comment back to me. It's so ridiculous. I think it's so sad that people feel this way about large families. I love my [en]-larging family!

babies and no babies

2009-08-06T05:55:00.004-04:00

The morning is quiet. Five minutes until six am and Jason has just left the house for his day out in the world. My children are asleep [or at least quiet in their beds]... for now. Any minute, I will hear Rose's door crack open and her insistent patting on the gate that keeps my night-time wonderer safe in her room. And so will begin the mommy part of my day. Lord, prepare me!

Samuel, my darling baby, is starting to take steps. Yes, walking!! He is just nine months old; the go getter. I love it. He has great balance and can stand for long periods of time. Just this past week he started daring to take a step. I dreamed last night he ran to me. It won't be long. He is so small, it is adorable to see him walking. But, it does catch the breath in my throat. Because I know. I know what it means. It means I will miss his hands padding across the floor in that adorable bear crawl, his bottom up in the air as he barrels across the room. I will miss my Samuel-baby when he starts walking his way to toddler-hood. I know what it means. I've been here before.

Nine months and counting. Jason and I are managing our blessed fertility and have managed nine months with no new baby on the horizon. We're quite thrilled. [Although, should God move us aside and plant life within me here in the tenth month post-partum, we would be thrilled then, too. Just FYI.] Since my blog was birthed by my search for God's will concerning birth control, I like to keep all concerned readers [wink,wink] up to date on these kinds of things. So, for those of you who care or were wondering but were too polite to ask..... To manage our fertility we are tracking my cycle by watching and charting all fertility signs. Then when fertility signs are a "go for launch" we, er, keep the "launching" under wraps. You see, we've discovered these adorable little rubber thingies... anyways... FYI. TMI? Oops... Now you know.

Now that I've embarrassed myself [and am considering deleting that last paragraph, but, well who cares. I've blogged about all that stuff before, why stop now??] I think I'll sign off.

Blessings to all and may you have a wonderful day in the LORD!!

"Just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him strengthened in the faith as you were taught and overflowing with thankfulness." Colossians 2: 6

what's in YOUR closet?

2009-07-31T06:29:00.003-04:00

I made it through the week. More than that, I was blessed through the week and just, plain, enjoyed it! Yea!!

My house feels more like home. I believe I have unpacked everything. Laundry continues to be mountains, but when is it not? Really. Isn't that just life with a big family?

The next project: my closet. Whew. What a mess! The mess used to be in the very back of the closet. Now, the mess reaches all the way to the door. It is a walk-in closet, so we are talking about lots of mess. The closet is in definite need of help. There are boxes [a lot of boxes] from when we moved in a year ago. That's just sad. Baby stuff we don't need with Samuel anymore is just tossed half-hazardly in there. It's bad. I think I might take a "before" picture so I can show you what I mean! B. A. D.

While I had hoped to tackle the awful closet this weekend... The weekend is already full. Saturday we're participating in our housing's "Bargain Market" garage sale thing. Getting rid of the stuff cluttering our porch. Hoping to make a little money, but, mostly, just wanting to get rid of junk. After the Bargain Market, a friend is coming over so Jason and help him fix his car. That will be the rest of Saturday.

Sunday is church, company for dinner and then there goes the weekend. It will be a good weekend. Full. But, good. But no time for the crazy closet. Sigh. Dumb closet.

My Cup Runneth Over as I zig-zag around mothering

2009-07-27T07:07:00.004-04:00

We have been home for one week.

A fast and furious week. I predicted we would "hit the ground running" upon the return from our roadtrip. Even with the prediction and the great, big breath I inhaled before we started "running", I am staggering from the past seven days.

My house continues to be an array of half-unpacked bags, scattered overgrowth of toys [where have all these toys come from???], continual dishes and a mound of laundry that would intimidate even the most accomplished of mothers.

My kids are slowly adjusting to the "new" sleeping quarters. Two-year-old Lela Mae has yet to sleep through the night since we've been home. The first four nights she was found wondering the hall, crying and distraught. The past few nights, she only cries in her bed. I suppose that means things are getting better... ???

The weekend proved useless. Jason worked 13-hour-shifts both Saturday and Sunday. I worked the nursery at church on Sunday [making it a total of EIGHT Sundays since I've actually sat through a service at Grace Church]. No rest for the weary. I am beyond tired; I am weary. Monday is upon us and the week stretches out, offering no reprieve.

I am stumble around, my eyes heavy from a night of on again/off again sleep, and try my darnedest to be a gracious and compassionate mother. A heavy fog thickens the air and I can hardly breathe, much less think.

***

Um, I just re-read my post and it sounds incredibly depressing. I must note that life is happy. I cuddle my babies and cry out to God with a grateful heart. My cup runneth over. [Obviously, I sweat the small stuff. I really need to be better about that.] Things are pretty crazy around here, but I have not given up. My scripture this week is:

"To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me." Colossians 1:29 [italics mine]

So, you see? It really doesn't matter that my energy is depleted. In fact, truly, it is a good thing. This way, I can just take my hands out of things [which, I'm supposed to do anyway] and totally and completely rely on God's energy. Which, as Col 1:29 tells us, works powerfully in ME! I grab ahold of that hope and run this amazing race! Whew-hew! Off I go!

home again, home again

2009-07-20T21:45:00.002-04:00

We're home!

After going 7,000 miles, the weary travelers return home. Only, we're not that weary. We are happy and sad to be home.

The home was as we left it; Rachel, my sister, took good care of our little home. The dog was fatter, the children's toys picked up and the fish were still alive. Not bad.

We walked around the house, unsure of what to do now. The adventure is over and "normal" is back upon us. We had become accustomed to a "new normal". Road trip normal.

Now I am back in my kitchen. My dishes. My king-size bed. My thermostat. My fatter-but-still-skinny dog. My lawn with the tall grass.

The kids ran around, admiring their old toys which now held the magic of new toys on Christmas. I ran my hand along the kitchen counter, finding it hard to believe that I was, once again, in my own kitchen.

Six weeks is a long time to be away. I am glad we had our month and a half road trip. But the adjustment to being home is proving to be more.... awkward than first expected.

wrapping up the mammoth roadtrip

2009-07-17T15:30:00.004-04:00

We are in Illinois today. Drove in yesterday after driving a total of 19 hours of actual drive time. That doesn't include the time off road for potty breaks and lunch/dinner and hotel nights.

Our roadtrip is rapidly drawing to a close. I can hardly believe we are so close to the finish line. I am looking forward to being home, but I am also sad that this big adventure is over. It has been a grand adventure.

People say, "I couldn't do what you guys have done!! How did you do that??"

It makes me laugh outloud. The roadtrip has been wonderful. Driving/riding 7000 miles has been, truly, not that big of a deal. I know, I know, you all can't really believe me. But, it has been fun!

Unexpectedly, the hardest part of the trip has been the many good-byes. Bouncing in and out of people's lives has been bittersweet. To share for a few days their heartaches and hopes and then to hug them close before driving away.... has been so very difficult. Much more than anticipated.

Tomorrow, when we start the 15 hour drive home from IL to VA, I will take with me many wonderful memories of our 2009 Family Roadtrip. God has been gracious to us.

The following scripture God laid on my heart the day before we left [back in JUNE]. I meticulously printed the verse out onto a florescent yellow index card and taped it to my steering wheel. It has been our theme verse this past six weeks.

"And thanks be to God who goes before us in triumphal procession in Jesus Christ and through us spreads the fragrance of the knowledge of him." 2 Cor 6:14

looking towards the futue with tears and with joy

2009-07-13T14:09:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow we say good-bye. It is our second to last good-bye on this long road of good-byes.

For me, personally, this will be the hardest good-bye. Good-bye to my parents. Sigh. My heart already aches and my stomach is burning with anticipation.

I said good-bye to my baby sister already. In a few hours I will say good-bye to my baby brother. Life is hard for them right now. They are in the heat of the world, making decisions that will effect the rest of their life. It is hard to see them struggling so fiercely with the call of God on their heart. They are truly wrestling with the Word of God; fighting His soft voice.

On a brighter note: We have plotted out the rest of our journey. The final leg. Wowsers. From here, we drive through South Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin and to Illinois. In IL we'll spend time with my brother and his wife. And their kiddos. Then will come the final shove of the road trip as we high-tail it home to Virginia. We are only 34 hours to go on the trip. Eighteen to IL and 16 hours to home. So close.

I am ready to be home again. Sad to say good-bye, but joyfully looking towards returning to "normal" life. I have gained many wonderful memories on this roadtrip. I have dropped in and out of many people's lives. Many amazing host families have opened their home to me and my brood. It has been good.

Can't wait to make my photo book on Snapfish. That's my next project up on returning home. Yea!

week five, day five.... wyoming time

2009-07-11T00:19:00.004-04:00

We are in Wyoming this week. With my parents. My parents are some of my most favorite people. I love them deeply and I miss them horribly when we are home, 27 hours away, in VA.

Time with my precious parents is rushing away much too quickly. My heart is already growing sad with the good-bye I will not be ready for bright and early Tuesday morning. My throat constricts with the thought. How will I say good-bye? The future is uncertain; when will I see my mom and dad again?

I have to push these thoughts away in order to enjoy the visit. I want desperately to enjoy every moment. I am begging God to slow the time down to a sloooow crawl. Please, God!!

Here's the thing with this roadtrip: the visits are not what we really want. What we really want is to live less then a mile down the road from all these amazing friends and family. We cram in a year's worth of living with each visit. Late night visits, trying to make up for the loss of heart to hearts all year long. Mom cooks all our favorite meals, making up for the dinners we miss as time flies by.

My parents love on the kids, achingly soaking in all their childish ways and antics, knowing that the next time they see my kids so much growing up will have taken place. My baby won't be a baby next time. We miss so much of each other's lives. It truly breaks my heart.

So, I put it all on the shelf. And turn away. I choose to focus on the now and enjoy what I can of the moment. I also thank the Lord for his faithfulness. I know He loves me and has prepared a good future for me and my family. In Virginia. Not in Texas. Not in Arizona. Not in Wyoming. But, on the east coast. Far away from everyone.

It hurts.

Not Me Monday

2009-07-06T10:49:00.003-04:00

Not Me Monday. Who-rah!! [Remember, Not Me Monday is a time to confess it all without really confessing.... So not me!]

It is not me who is both sad about leaving my in-laws [because I love them and I will miss them] and terribly excited about leaving [because it means I see my parents on Wednesday]!!

It is not me who has just now started to miss her house after being on this roadtrip for four weeks.

It is not me who thinks it has been good for my kids to sleep in various arrangements like air mattresses, KOA bunkbeds, and, at times, the floor. Not me. I pamper my kids...

It is not me who has totally enjoyed not having to cook dinner every night because I've been at someone else's house eating their dinner.

It is not me who loves her cup of sweet coffee in the AM. I do not snuggle it close to me like a long lost love, breathing in the delicious fragrance. Ah... I do not have a co-dependent relationship with coffee...

It is not me who has traveled over 3,500 miles away from home [and will begin the 3,5000 miles back home tomorrow!!] with FOUR KIDS in a mini-van!! Not me!! \

a day on the road with four small children

2009-07-05T10:15:00.002-04:00

"You are so brave," mommies whisper into my ear when I tell them of our 7000 mile roadtrip with four small children.

Truly, it makes me laugh. Brave has nothing to do with it; a strong desire to see my family and friends is what drives me, literally, down the road.

But what is it like roadtriping with four small children? The following is a mostly true description of a typical day on the road with the Keys family.

***
5:30am Samuel awakens with the sun. His sweet gurgles and coos awaken my daughters who are quick to run to our bed and play with their baby brother.

6:00am Begin packing the van. Sleeping bags rolled up; suitcases reorganized; dirty clothes into the dirty clothes bag; drink cups filled; everything out the door and to the van. We fit the items into the van like a jig-saw puzzle.

7:00am Breakfast. Either the hotel's contental breakfast, one more breakfast with those who love us or fast food.

7:30am Buckle up seat belts, re check the map and off we go!

7:35am "Can we watch a movie?" Almost-five-year-old Isaiah asks. Ice Age plays behind my head for the tenth time in one week.

8:30am Driven 70 miles. Only 400 left to go for the day. I sip my lukewarm coffee. Samuel drifts to sleep in the middle row of our minivan.

8:45am "MOM! She's hitting me!" "Shh!! Sam's sleeping!!"

9:00am "I'm hungry!" Crackers distributed by Daddy who is taking his turn in the back with the kids. I nibble on my handful of animal crackers.

9:30am "Look at the mountains!" Sam is startled awake thanks to the excitement of his siblings.

10:00am "Look at the cows!"

10:15am "Look at that train!" The train loops around a mountain side. Very cool.

11:00am The family stops for lunch at a rest area. The kids run like a herd of cattle across the grassy lawn. Sandwiches fill our stomachs and we're back in the van within an hour. We are also quite proud that we made it a full three and half hours between stops. No small feat with little, wiggly children.

12:00pm Jason's turn to drive. I take my place in the back, praying God gives me grace with my children.

12:30pm "Naptime! Everyone lean back and close your eyes."

12:40pm Samuel's out.

12:45pm "I don't want to go to bed" "I'm not tired" SH! Sam's sleeping! Go to sleep!"

1:00pm "I'm not tired!" Tears roll down their very "none-tired" faces. Samuel wiggles in his sleep and I feel myself loosing it as I struggle to keep one little eight month old asleep while disciplining the three and two year old.

1:30pm After an hour of frustration, there are FOUR sleeping children in the mini-van. Mom and Dad's eyes meet through the rear view mirror. We smile. I lean my head back to catch a few zzzz's while Jason plows ahead on the Interstate. Stopping is not an option with four sleeping kids.

2:00pm Samuel wakes up. I try to not be frustrated from my short nap. Sam and I play peek a boo.

2:30pm Everyone's awake. The kids don't sleep very well in the carseats. Short naps have become the norm on the road.

3:00pm Gas stop. Fill up for $2.59 per gallon. That's been our average. Everyone goes potty. This seems to take an absurd amount of time. Samuel gets a diaper change and I try to hold him the whole stop so he can soak up mommy time since he doesn't get much on the road.

3:45pm Finally, back on the road. I have a piping hot cup of coffee that will keep my eyes open for the last 2-3 hours of our drive for the day. Jason turns a movie on and passes out another round of snacks.

4:30pm The DVD Players have lost their magic for the day and everyone is ready to get out of the van. Including the adults. From the rear view mirror I see Jason lean his head back and close his eyes. Isaiah and Rose are fighting about crayons in the back-back; Samuel is screaming his protest of being strapped to his carseat for the entire day; and Lela Mae [strapped beside me in the front seat -air bag is turned off-] is applying chapstick over and over again to her adorable lips.

5:30pm Our stopping point is just a few miles ahead. We pull out all the stops to illicit peace in the chaotic van. Cheetos are passed out. Mommy sings her silly songs "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts... dee-da-la-dee-da-lee..."

5:45pm We stumble into the KOA kabin and stretch across our bare mattresses. The kids beg to go swimming. Jason and I look longingly at the bed as we dress everyone in their still damp suits before heading off to swim in the KOA pool.
***

So this is a simple outline of our day on the road. Most of our days end earlier, praise God. But, this is a long form of our travel days. We have intentionally tried to schedule the days to be short so the kids don't loose it in the back.

Well, now you know. Have a great day!

stuffy heads and heavy hearts

2009-07-04T18:36:00.002-04:00

I am tired today. I feel icky. My head is stuffy and my heart is heavy.

Heavy with good-byes and missing those who love me and those whom I love. Why does this world have to be so big? Heaven will be a wonderful place. I want a mansion on the same block as my mother. And my husband's mother. And our fathers. And my friends from college. And my children.

The girls' fever has progressed to sore throats. No more fever, though. Just the sore throats and cranky attitudes. I have both of those, too. Isaiah is coughing, but still very perky and happy.

We are praying for healing and grace. We are here until Tuesday morning when we start on our 15 hour drive to WY. Trusting God for His perfect will.

the fever and ants of Yucca, AZ

2009-07-03T15:32:00.003-04:00

The roadtrip adventure continues today with life in the desert mountains of Arizona. Winged ants have invaded the house. They made a colony in the chimney and, possibly, inside the walls of this beautiful stucco home. As I type, Jason and his dad fight the ant battle. Jason is up on the roof, pouring water and dish soapy water on the ants. The in-laws live so far in the country that they have issues finding a exterminator to come out and take care of the ant problem "for good". After calling eight exterminators, Tami finally found ONE who would come out and take care of the dirty business. Huge sigh of relief from this country-ish, suburb-ish girl. Whew.

Also, I visited Yucca, Arizona today. Population 500 or so. We needed juice and the closest place was ten minutes down the road at a tiny gas station called P.J.'s. [Connected to Junior's Bar and Grill; we'll be eating dinner some time later this weekend.] I think I like Yucca [pronounced "yuck-uh"]. Very friendly people. People who look you in the eye and smile a loud "good morning". I like it.

The girls have been running low grade fevers yesterday and today. Please pray for them; complete healing, in the name of Jesus!! We're not sure what's wrong with the girlies. I think it might be either a fever virus or just weariness of the roadtrip. We've stocked their tiny bodies up with echinacea, child's ibuprofen, and child's multi-vitamin. And prayer. Lots of prayer.

Three and a half more days here in sunny Arizona before hitting the worn out road towards Wyoming. Despite the ants and the feverish girls, I am really enjoying our roadtrip. Praise God!

Roadtrip views and the darn heart

2009-07-02T10:23:00.002-04:00

Day four of week four of our humongous roadtrip.

Today we wake up to the mountains of Arizona outside our windows. They jut up into the sky, their peeks rocky and sharp. The Arizona residents rebel against day-light savings time so we are now three hours behind our "normal" time zone on the east coast. Since we've spent the last three weeks in the central time zone, our bodies acclimated to central time. I think moving one hour earlier into mountain time would have been easier than this huge jump to two hours behind central! I am praying, asking God for mercy as we stumble around, trying to get our bearings with this "new" 5am. {Darling children and the sun. They just feed off each other!!}

Saying good-bye to Texas was hard. I know, I know, all you non-Texans just don't get it; but those Texans out there... YOU KNOW! Texas draws her natives. The wide sky stretches on and on and beckons us. Oh, the country roads. Miles and miles of fields. Huge bales of hay scattered across rolling plains and herds of cattle along the roadside. Sigh. I love it. My country man has turned my heart into that of a country woman. I, too, long for home.

But, where is home? My heart also longs for the life God has given us in VA. A beautiful home that more than meets our space-needs. A church that loves us and meets our friend-needs. A job that feeds and clothes us. But where is our family? Our family is scattered across the USA, thousands of miles from each other. Virginia is where God has put us right now. I want to embrace that life, not long for the Texas life I imagine in my mind.

Today is day one of five days with Jason's parents. We have asked God to slow time down to a crawl. That each day would run like cold molasses, barely moving by us. We ask God to help us treasure every moment together because we know... That only God knows when He will bring us together again.

Those of you praying for us; please keep it up. We feel the presence of God. He is so faithful!!

the first post on the humongo road trip

2009-06-22T18:18:00.002-04:00

Today begins Week Three of our six week road trip. We have already traveled about 2500 miles. The kids have slept on the floor, an air mattress, bunk beds, hotel bed and now at grandma's house. {one of several grandma's houses they will be sleeping in on this adventure}

Jason joins in on the fun tomorrow. I have been "on my own" with the kids for the past two weeks. Although, I must confess I put my Supermom title at risk and hired a wonderful and amazing young lady to come be my "helper" to travel with me these past two weeks. {She returns home tomorrow. Sniff. I will miss her!! And her help!} Her and I have both decided that I most definitely could not have done this trip alone. Three days in the car as we cross half the the Continental US of A would not have gone so smoothly without my darling sitter in the back seat.

God has graciously been with us every step/mile of the way. We are safe and healthy and happy. The kiddos continually adjust to every new situation. They are loving each new playmate that comes along. Child or grown up.

The trip has been bittersweet, full of wondrous hellos and sad good byes. Every week brings tearful good byes to people I love and miss terribly. And I have yet to hug my parents; the ones I miss the most. Already, this trip has brought Heaven to my heart and the promise of "no more tears" and of "no more goodbyes". Heaven will be a wonderful place. No roadtrips necessary.

eleven days and towing

2009-05-28T06:23:00.003-04:00

Eleven days and counting.

I've got lists. A "To Buy Before Leaving" List. A "To Be Sure Not To Forget" List. "Medicine Bag" List. "To Do" List. "To Do The Week We Leave" List. "Travel Food" List.

Yes, I am that "ducks in a row" type. You bet. And, you know, that is a a gift!! Not something to apologize for. Yep.

So my list grows on a daily basis. Which, is scary since it should be shrinking [the "to-do" part anyway].

We are hoping, desperately, that God will work out a miracle and we'll be able to tow a little home-away-from-home behind us. Right now it looks like we got us a humble pop-up camper... The problem is now that the shiney new [ish... it's an '05] does not tow. Dumb mini-van. Wish we'd used our brains when we bought it and bought something with a tow package. Yeah, I've learned the lingo. Tow package. Bumper pull. Yadda yadda.

But, we proceed to prepare for both options. The option to sleep in over a dozen different beds over a period of six weeks; or the option to tow the same bed behind us for six weeks. Only God knows what we will look like when we drive out of here in eleven days.

Eleven days.

Motherhood Follies: The Extinction of Window Blinds

2009-05-16T09:52:00.002-04:00

Window blinds are a dying breed in our house. The window in Rose's room lost its blinds a few weeks after we moved into the house. This past week, we said good-bye to two more blinds.

In the midst of mommy duties, I hurried up the stairs and into the hallway. I noticed Isaiah's room seemed particularly bright. The sunshine gave me a smile... that quickly vanished upon entering my oldest son's room.

"Isaiah!" I hollered. My voice echoed along the walls. "ISAIAH!"

I heard him running up the stairs. "Yes, Momma?"

I picked up the shades and waited for him. He barreled his energetic four-year-old body into the room, coming to an abrupt stop when he saw what I held in my hands. His eyes skirted around the room, darting anywhere but my face and the blinds.

"Isaiah... what's this?"

"My blinds..." he said nonchalantly.

"Why are they not on the window?" My voice had reached a slightly out of control pitch. I tried to bring it down and un-grit my teeth. "What happened?"

"Um, well, they broke," he said.

"Yes. How did they break?"

"Well, I was standing on my table over there," Isaiah pointed to the train table [something he was under direct orders not to stand on top]. "And I swung on the cord from the table to the floor."

I have a rather vivid imagination. And suddenly, it filled with a little boy's adventure of swinging like Tarzan across his room. My anger was gone. I sighed deeply and tried to hide the understanding smile. I may not be a boy with all the energy and excitement, but I get adventure.

"Don't do that again." I said. Then, as an "P.S." I added over my shoulder, "Don't ever touch the blinds again!"

The next day I found my bedroom's blinds, to my one and only window in my room, laying half-hazard on my bed. The room was empty; the culprit missing. But, I knew. I knew my Tarzan had struck again.

"I was just trying to get some light," Isaiah explained matter of fact after I hunted him down. Duh, Mom.

"But, the rule is you don't touch the blinds...." I rattled off. It didn't matter. The damage was done. Only two windows in my house still possess the near extinct window blinds. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

twenty four more days and attacking hostesses

2009-05-15T08:27:00.003-04:00

Twenty-four more days and counting... Until me and the amazing kiddos head out into the great unknown. Head west. Bite the bullet. Go crazy. Hit the road.

Yikes. I am a frantic mixture of excitement and fear. While there is a tiny chance my sister, Rachel, will accompany me on my madness, I am setting up to embark on the first leg of the 6000 mile road troap all by my lonesome. [And, when I say, "by my lonesome" I mean by my lonesome plus four kids. So, not really by my lonesome.]

I have been on several road trips and have been blessed to stay with lots of different people. Most of my houseguest experiences have been positive. But... I have had some doozies.

Like once [dishing, here! I'm dishing!!] a hostess was incredibly put off [as in very disgusted] at the way my newly-turned-two-year-old ate spaghetti. Am I the only mother who lops a blob of the sauce drenched pasta in front of her kid and lets her go to town? Because, this hostess spoon fed her darlings and they walked away from the table with barely a speck of spaghetti sauce on the beautiful faces. Then there was my two year old covered in sauce when she wrapped up her meal. I didn't think anything of it; it's life at my house. But, my hostess did not like it.

Another time we stayed at a wonderful house and had lots of fun during the day. But, at night... The bed we slept on was like a boat. It rocked back and forth. And that was not because there was any hanky-panky going on. No. Rocking began if anyone twitched. Very exciting. Jason ended up on the floor at the end of that visit. Me and whatever baby I had at the time kicked him off the rocking bed.

You can see why I am a tad worried about being a houseguest. After all, I am bringing four kids with me. That alone is going to throw most of my hostesses off. For most families, we will triple their child population. For the most part, I think my friends and family are up for the challenge [right, Autumn?? MOM??] but I am still nervous about converging on homes other than mine.

Hoping to be as much a blessing as possible, I decided to do a little research on "being a good houseguest". Check this out. Yeah. I'm so going to do all that!! Really, I am. I can chase four kids and keep our area clean and wash dishes and leave the bathroom tidy when we whirlwind out of there. Whew. Just writing it all out gives me a little, bitty headache.

mother thoughts

2009-05-11T15:57:00.003-04:00

It's been quiet on the blog front lately... but there's a storm brewing inside my mind and I have to get some things out of there.

I always thought mothering came naturally. That once that baby came out and screamed in your face... After all that work of growing the baby inside your womb... Looking upon the scrunched face of a brand new human being captures a woman's heart, does it?

Yet, I am learning not all mothers, well, mother. Not all feel that hook. My children have a very large hook inside my heart that could not ever be removed. It has wound itself into my deepest, most inmost parts and would tear my heart apart if someone removed the hook.

Don't get me wrong, I have contemplated walking away. On the very hardest of days, I have stood at the window, watching the sky and allowed my thoughts to wonder to a dark place filled with selfish desires and self-centered dreams. But the tiny arms wrapped around my leg and the sticky fingers planted against my calf are too good to be true. The clear blue eyes gazing back at my overwhelmed face have locked me in for life. I will never walk away.

So why do moms walk away? is there no attachment formed? No hook sunk into their heart? I just don't understand. How can motherhood be a choice? Doesn't the choice begin with sex? The act of creating a child. Once the seed is planted and life is growing, our choice in the matter is gone... right? Then why are there babies without mommies? Why are there mommies too into their own life to take care of their children?

I have learned... The choice is still there. Every day. Do we mother this life? Or do we wish it away? Do we put our dreams on the back burner so that we can nurture this new human with 100% of our heart? Or do we drag the child along as we run desperately, chasing a far away dream?

oops, i did it again

2009-05-03T20:42:00.005-04:00

Why do I ever try to do it on my own?

This has been a hard week. I felt like I was stumbling around in the dark.

I attended a ladies Bible Study this Saturday and was reminded that we can only make it so far "on our own". To really embrace life and live it to the fullest, I have to make God the center of my life. And, he has not been my center. Other things have taken center stage. Things like writing/reading blogs. Reading other magazines. Watching TV. Worrying. Anxiety. Eating. Whatever else jumped in front of me got my attention. I forgot to make God the center of my days.

I love Mondays. A fresh beginning of the week. I begin, once again, tomorrow. [Thank God for tomorrows!] I will begin my day tomorrow with a meeting between me and my Father in Heaven. I am humbled, humbled by the thought that He loves me. I am so insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and yet, the God of the Universe loves me.

Thank you, God, for loving me. Thank you for softly calling to me even as I rush around ignoring your gentle persistence. I lay it down today. Please come be the center of my life.

Air Show Pictures

2009-04-27T18:48:00.006-04:00

Air Show time!! It was a busy place to be Sunday, but we had a blast anyways!!

Isaiah recognized this as "Sky Captain's plane".

Jason's favorite plane of the day. We crossed over a mile to get to this thing; thought I'd better take a picture to commemorate the adventure.

Everyone like a loopty-loop!

All smiles!!

Momma and three of her babies.

My Rose

My boys.

**Note the ear foamies: very, very important aspect of having a good time at the very loud air show.

Ms Lela Mae sporting her awesome ear foamies.

Samuel James, all tuckered out.

eight things

2009-04-27T08:34:00.003-04:00

I've been tagged! Here's a little more about me you probably don't' care to know....

8 Things I Am Looking Forward To
1. having a clean house [sure it will require some effort, but it will feel good to have a clean house.
2. my humongo road trip
3. Jason coming home [I know, he just left for work.. but, I already miss him]
4. going to bed tonight
5. naptime
6. playing with my kids today
7. seeing my mother in July
8. the far off day when Jason and I can be just be "us"

8 Things I Did Yesterday
1. went to the Air Show!! Whew-hoo!
2. made the dumb mistake of not putting on sunscreen and, consequently...
3. got a bad sunburn
4. bought our 2008 photo album off Snapfish
5. wiped several little bottoms
6. carried a sleeping baby about a mile
7. thanked God for my baby that made my arms ache
8. watched my kids play in the water and realized how beautiful they are. realized again.

8 Things I Wish I Could Do
1. be a better mother
2. go on a week long honeymoon trip with my handsome husband
3. sleep through the night without the darling baby waking me up
4. make my sunburn go away... OUCH!
5. talk to my mother face to face; give her a hug
6. win the lottery
7. run a mile without feeling like I'm going to die. Heck, just be able to run a mile.
8. go to the bathroom alone. Without interruptions.

8 Shows I Watch
1. American Idol
2. FRIENDS
3. Food Network
4. whatever else is on.... I don't have time for TV!!!

are we gonna watch them fly high?

2009-04-25T13:23:00.005-04:00

The Air Show is this weekend. This is our fourth year to have the opportunity to attend the Langley Air Show. We went the first two years, but didn't make it last year.

First year we had a six month old and a one year old. Easy; piece of cake. One double stroller and we were set.

Year two we had three babies. My newborn in a wrap and the two year old and one year old in the double stroller. That year was hard. I couldn't find a private place to nurse [back then I cared about that... ] so I ended up leaning against a concrete road blocker. Isaiah totally freaked out about the noise level of the jet engine's. They do this cool "fly by" thing that is very loud. I makes my heart race, and makes my kids upset. We ended that adventure with three crying babies.

Year three I was pregnant and felt pretty crappy. Plus, the memories of year two were pretty fresh. We skipped the air show.

Here we are, year four and Jason and I are trying to decide which direction to take. Isaiah loves airplanes and jets. But, he does cover his ears when the F-15s fly over the base on a daily bases. Rose loves the planes. She watches them, unafraid. Lela covers her ears. Then there's the new kid; usually my little babies don't really notice the loud noise. Plus, if momma's smiling, they figure all's well anyway.

I think we are going to dive in this year. The plan right now is to go right after the early church service tomorrow. That will put us there as the air show begins. There are also lots of planes on the ground for viewing; the kids have really enjoyed those in the past.

I want to have fun. I want it to BE fun. I want the kids to enjoy it and be blessed. I want to make some memories of our family time at the Air Show. Plus, I think the Air Show is cool and I want to go!

So... I'll let you know how it goes.

the middle of the night

2009-04-23T03:13:00.004-04:00

It is three o'clock in the morning, The early, early news is running its second round of the same set of stories.

Samuel has a cold. He can't breathe easily and wakes up in the darkness of the night, wheezing, gagging and coughing. I am praising God for the nebulizer He blessed us with when Isaiah was a baby. Samuel has had breathing treatments every 4-6 hours the past three days. It does seem to help.

I can tell he doesn't feel well and there is so little I can really do about his discomfort. And so, I hold him. I tell him I love him. We cuddle. I get up at 2:00am. I spoon child's Ibuprofen into his mouth. I nurse around the clock, even if it has only been an hour since the last feeding.

Because I am his mother and that is what mothers do. And I know, "this too shall pass". Sweet dreams everyone. I'm off to rock my darling.

at least Jason is going

2009-04-16T08:43:00.004-04:00

Jason has a one-way ticket to Texas. Sounds like my kind of country music song. La-la-la-la!! Di-dah!

At least one of us is 100% confirmed on our Texas part of the road trip. It makes things much more real to me. In a good way.

I am excited to see everyone. Overwhelmed at all the traveling. Praying for health for all the kids; no body's allowed to be sick!!

I am not a typically "take it easy" type person. Jason helps me in this area and I am trying to learn how to "go with the flow". I believe that approach will help us all tremendously on the road trip. Oh yeah, and the "this is supposed to be fun" mindset will go a long way for me, too.

I am already starting to collect little goodies that will make the long ride easier. On sale Easter eggs that have small toys in them will be just the thing after four hours in the car. Er, mini-van.

It's not even 9am and I have already worked out, cooked breakfast, fed the kids and posted a blog. Not too bad at all.

the end of the RV and a little update on the family

2009-04-12T19:30:00.005-04:00

OK. So, sleep brought a little peace. But, more peace came when Jason and I decided that the RV was just not what we need right now. Oh, well, we do need it; but, we don't need the gas money investment it will bring to our vacation budget. You see, this lovely RV gets 7 mpg. Seven. That means we would spend over $2000 in GAS MONEY ONLY for our 6000 mile road trip. YIKES.

Sadly, we kissed the RV dream good bye and settled on the all faithful mini-van. Which, really, brings me a deep sigh of relief. The RV would have been great, but it will be enough of a challenge to juggle life, kids, driving, etc with the mini-van.

And so we continue ironing out details for the trip. I am still leaving ahead of Jason. I'll be "on the road" for about two weeks before Jason flies to TX and meets up with us. I'll go to my dear friend, Autumn's house in Kansas and then to Texas to meet up with some of my family [not before stopping to see an old college friend in Arkansas] before heading to Fort Worth to meet up with Jason's family.

I am the most nervous about my three day drive to KS. At this point, I'll be alone with four kids. One will still be nursing. I will definitely have to stop every two hours to nurse. So, I'm guessing what would take a normal person eight hours to drive, it will take us at least ten!! Slow and steady is my motto.

*******************

Well, that's the update on the road trip. Here is some this 'n that on our family:

This picture was taken last Sunday before church. Thus the clean and freshly dressed children. We don't spend every day this good looking! Three out of four smiles is about the max for us in pictures. Not sure what was up with my beautiful Rose.
Five-month-old Samuel has sprouted his first tooth!! WOW! He's the first of my kids to do that so early. The other three started teething around eight months. Samuel's ahead of the game!!
He is also already sitting up! Another early bird for us. He has beat the other kids by a month on that milestone. What a guy! He is totally full of smiles and continues to be a joy on my lap at every feeding session. Oh, I love him so!!

My Lela Mae turned two last week. She talks like a big girl. It is hard to believe she is only two with the way she keeps up with her older siblings. People ask if her and Rose are twins! HA! Rose isn't very big for her age and Lela is big for a two year old. They both weigh about 30 pounds. Lela Mae likes to sing with us and I absolutely love to hear her sweet, precious voice. Makes this momma so happy!

My Rose Jubilee is very three years old. She is swiftly moving into that preschool mode. Her mind is opening up to learn and I find it very exciting! Rose mothers Lela Mae and Samuel. She is actually excellent with Samuel and truly helps me. He adores her; craning his neck to see his biggest sister. Rose is our early bird and likes to get up before the sun rises in the morning. But, she is almost always bright and cheerful; so it's not too bad.

Then there is my Isaiah Luke! Oh, what a big boy he's become. Sometimes when I look at him, it takes my breath away. He looks like a little boy; not at all like a baby. He is getting taller and slimmer; my baby is gone. [Which is OK; especially since baby brother, Samuel, looks exactly like Isaiah did when he was a baby!!] Isaiah designs and creates a train track with his small train track pieces every day at quiet time. That's "his thing" right now. They are always good and quite impressive. Bridges, intersections and the like are included in his every day building. What a smartie!!

So, that's us. Hope you enjoyed the update! [I know you did, MOM!]

what was i thinking? and isn't she beautiful?

2009-04-09T22:22:00.004-04:00

We drove one hour and thirty minutes to view this RV today.

We were far from disappointed. It is very clean. The current owner, a wonderful older gentlemen named Sonny, loves this RV. He has obviously cared for it meticulously. He took Jason on a thorough walk through of this thirty-four foot 1994 Gulfstream. This might be the one.

We have viewed a lot of RVs. This one is the nicest so far that is this old and is within our price range. It smells good. There is no dirt anywhere. There is a tub in the bathroom. Low mileage. SEVEN seat belts in the back. Fuel injected. Absolutely perfect.

And I am terrified. Full of anxiety. Sitting in this exactly-what-we-want-RV today brought the reality of it all home to me. Reality of the humongous road trip. Reality of learning to drive a full house across the USA. Reality of going alone for the first two weeks. R.E.A.L.I.T.Y.

The combination of anxiety and carsickness overcame me after our short ride around the block in the RV. [Yes, sweet Sonny started "her up" and took our whole family for a joy ride in the RV of our dreams. It was fun. And brought more of that reality thing I was talking about...]

What am I thinking? Taking this huge RV across the states? All by myself?? It is a three day drive to KS, our first stop. Alone. Parking and doing bedtime, alone. At a campsite. Alone. Driving alone. Towing a mini-van. ALONE!

I just don't know if I can do this. How am I going to do this? How will I maneuver a boat of a vehicle and manage four small children in the back?

Doubts assail me as I head to bed tonight. Oh, may sleep bring me blissful peace.

Eight minutes to blog and happy birthday to Lela Mae

2009-04-08T06:51:00.005-04:00

I have been neglecting my blog. So many other pressing needs pull me away and writing sinks to the bottom of my priority list.

But, this morning I have approximately eight minutes before I must jump to the rest of my day. So here goes..........

My youngest daughter, Lela Mae Grace, officially turned two on Monday, April 6th, 2009. This darling of mine has been acting two for about nine months so it is good to see her age finally catching up with her development. Smile. I am so not a proud momma or anything of that nature.

In honor of Lela Mae's birthday, the few minutes I have to post will be taken up with Lela. [Who, by the way, is hollering from her crib to come get her up. But, I only have three more minutes left and, well, I'm gonna make her wait... shh.. don't tell anyone

When I was pregnant with Lela Mae, I felt God told me she would be "my grace". We gave her the middle name as a reminder of God's promise to me. And, Lela has been my grace. My labor and delivery with Lela was my easiest so far. I sewed on a project up until one hour before Lela was born. Only one hour was excruciating. Lela Mae was one of "those babies". You know, the kind you see everyone else has while yours is screaming? Yep, I got one of "those". Hee hee. She slept three hour chunks of time, from the beginning. She woke up to eat, coo, poop and then went back to sleep. As she got older, she was content to sit and watch the other kids play.

Continuing the grace theme, Lela Mae is also one of "those kids" who potty trained them self. I had heard rumors of "those kids" and simply didn't believe "those moms". Now, I brag about my [then] 20 month old toddler who threw her diaper in the trash and decided to wear big girl undies. I certainly had nothing to do with that!! It was God's grace on me by giving me a child who brings me, well, grace

And so, my sweet Lela Mae, I am blessed to call you "mine". You have been my grace and I am thankful, so very thankful, that you are my daughter. You bring me joy and peace. You make me smile. You make me proud. You are an amazing and precious addition to our family. I love the way you observe your surroundings. I love how God made YOU.

May God draw you ever nearer to His side. May He teach you His ways and His heart. May you always know Him and walk with Him all the days of your life.

***

Three minutes past end time and counting... off I go!

praying for the babies

2009-04-01T13:36:00.004-04:00

I am praying for baby Stellan. He looks so much like my Samuel. My heart is heavy as I consider the struggle he faces every moment. I pray desperately for God, my mighty and powerful God, to heal this tiny baby.

Stellan is suffering from SVT. Most of my followers are fellow bloggers from blogworld and are followers of MckMama's mycharmingkids. [If you have not already, I urge you to click over to MckMama's blog and read her story. And then to pray.] I know you are with me in this heaviness for a baby the majority of us have never met. Oh, how my heart aches. Every time I read MckMama's posts about her sick baby, all I want to do is go cuddle my own little 5 month old. I find myself loving on him with a fierce thankfulness for his health and wholeness. And while I love him, I pray for Stellan.

Much, much closer to home... well, my heart's home anyway... there is another baby that weighs heavily on my heart. A dear friend of mine [not mentioning names due to privacy issues] has decided she cannot manage mothering her young infant and has given him to her parents. Sigh. Oh that rocks my heart. I am in the deep and intense trenches of motherhood and I certainly know the passion and difficulties that rises and falls with day to day parenting. I know it's hard; I get it. And so, my prayers are intermingled with these babies. My own babies I lift before the Father. Prayers for Stellan's health. Prayers for the motherless baby.

Oh, God. Hear our prayers. Answer us from Heaven.

not for the faint of heart....and tape yourself to your buddy

2009-03-28T13:39:00.004-04:00

Isn't that beautiful? Yep, folks, that's my pinkie toe. I fell down the last two steps of our flight of stairs and badly bruised my poor, little toe. OUCH! It is swollen to twice the size of my opposite toe on the other foot and it so beautifully colored.

I was in quite a bit of pain on Thursday, the day I hurt it. But, yesterday is was getting better and today it is even better. Yea. I am buddy-taping it to its buddy. That's what friends are for, right?

So, the moral of my silly toe story is... when you are bruised and sore, tape yourself to your buddy. It'll get better. Hee-hee.

Have a great weekend, everybody!!